A loving goodbye

Going against the 'shoulds' and writing what is on my heart today...

Just a little note to let you know that I will be talking about the loss of a pet in this piece.

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It is Maternal Mental Health Week and I have been contemplating what surfaces for me when I consider ‘how’ to speak to this subject.

Mental Health for me has been my greatest teacher - and I feel like I have so much to say on the subject - but also - my capacity right now is minimal.

My present reality is that I currently have a 3.5 year old at home with chicken pox and a 4 month old who will not nap anywhere but in a wrap on my chest, or in a moving buggy. The majority of this piece was written while swaying at my ‘kitchen worktop desk’.

And actually, something different is on my heart. So I am going to be true to myself and what is rising to the surface and write what needs to be expressed rather than what ‘should’ be expressed.

If you do want to access some of my previous resources on mental health - particularly anxiety - you can explore many of my podcast episodes on it it here and listen to some of my guided meditations on Insight Timer here.

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A sad goodbye

What is most present within me right now is grief. That is my messy truth right now.

Early last week I began to witness our elderly dog, Pickle, starting to fade in front of me. There was nothing specific but I could see her energy change, her fragility increase and the sparkle from her eyes had significantly dimmed. She seemed uncomfortable and while a trip to the vets ruled out anything obvious - at 16.5 years old - I just sensed that she was coming to the end of her time.

You know when you just know?

By Friday her back legs were swaying and her breathing was heavy… I knew that we needed to make a decision quickly before she deteriorated so we booked the vets for the next morning - knowing that it would be for the final time.

While I knew in my heart that it was the absolute right decision - I couldn’t help but doubt and question myself for being the one who called the end of her life. It felt like such a big thing to shoulder - and yet of course when you become the guardian of an animal you also take on this responsibility if needed.

Our beloved Patterdale Terrier Pickle.

So I hope you don’t mind me using this Wednesday note to share some words that flowed, in devotion to the little whirlwind that was Pickle…

Today was one of your favourite kind of days. Beaming sunshine that would have had you sunbathing for hours, cool enough that you could stay there without overheating. I kept expecting to see you basking in the grass.

The house feels empty.

A quietness that is louder than I thought possible.

I can’t bring myself to put away your bowls.

Your collar still sits on the countertop.

I look for you first thing in the morning, and last thing at night. I listen for your paws on the wooden floor. It surprises me everytime you are not there.

I miss you getting under my feet - even though it drove me mad. A pang of guilt stings at my heart remembering that last time I nearly tripped over you I raised my voice. It had been a long day of Mothering. You forgave me. Your loving heart forgave me, long before I forgave myself.

The floor is covered in food from Sophia dropping crumbs and me just assuming ‘the dog will eat that’. It is strange the things that I miss.

She keeps asking… ‘where is Pickle?’

I have to remind her that your body stopped working and that you are gone, but that you will always be in our hearts. I have to keep reminding myself. Will I be doing that forever?

I didn’t know just how much that would ache. I knew it would hurt. But the ache…

Sophia doesn’t truly understand… but she says she misses you.

I miss you. I feel a bit numb most of the time - but then it hits me. Like the waves of grief always do.

You. Are. Gone.

It is strange how silent it feels… I didn’t know silence could be felt before you left us.

Over 16 years of you by my side. Literally. The things we have been through together.

Holding me through love, heart break, grief, anxiety, pregnancies and births. Holding our family through it all.

Only you saw me at my darkest. It was only you that was there when my knees buckled in grief and my tears turned to howls. Over and over. You held me.

And then there we were… holding you… as you drifted away.

It is the subtle presence of you that feels like something is just ‘not there’. A void, an emptiness.

I can’t believe we were lucky enough to be guardian to you for so long. It was the deepest honour and greatest gift. But yet selfishly, it still doesn’t feel enough.

I knew you would leave us - but I also thought you would live forever. How can those two things exist?

The Sweetest little Pickle.

Journey on now gentle one. I will forever be grateful you chose us.

Photos taken of our family in September 2022 by Kezi Photography.

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Thank you for witnessing me in my grief through these pages.

The beautiful thing is that Motherhood has taught me that I can be here for my sadness, while also experiencing the sheer beauty and gratitude for so many things simultaneously.

Until next time.

Always in gratitude.

Lauren

xxx

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