A love note to my real postpartum

Reflecting on, and sharing imagery, of my very real fourth trimester experiences and what life was like just after giving birth to both my babies, and myself...

Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Writer, Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Website & Branding Creator, Human Design Guide, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. You can find out more about my work here. Please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy this, and you do have the means, I would be so grateful if you chose to support my creations for £5 a month…

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Hello lovely one

How is your heart today? How are you feeling?

This week’s post is talking about the very real, and very tender phase of postpartum - specifically the fourth trimester and the hours and days after giving birth. I want to acknowledge that this can be challenging to read and see for some, and so if you are not sure whether you are ready to explore that, this post might not be for you.

If you do continue to read then my intention is to hold you as I share my own personal journey, this is not a ‘what to expect’ article - it is simply an expression of my own experiences as a way to open up the space to speak freely about these early days and weeks. If you feel you wish to share anything with me, please know that my inbox is always open - and I mean that. I truly do.

Over the weekend I read this post on the reality of postpartum life by

Jo Piazza

and as I read it I felt both sad AND also inspired.

Sad because of the huge disservice we do to Mothers by not sharing the truth about the reality that early postpartum brings, and the thought of anyone struggling in those early tender days/weeks/months thinking they are ‘the only one’ breaks my heart.

AND

Inspired because I thought... how amazing that we have a space such as Substack where we can start to change the narrative around ‘neat and tidy postpartum’ and instead, start a movement of sharing the real, messy, heart wrenching moments and begin to normalise the reality.

Are you with me?

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Having birthed two babies - one vaginally and one abdominally - I guess I can speak to a variety of different experiences of the healing and recovery phase. I know some people don’t like to see it as recovery because being pregnant isn’t an illness - but to me - it felt like a recovery journey both times. Inner and outer healing was necessary, and I had to be very gentle in my re-entry into the real world as I came out of the newborn cocoon (I don’t class it as a bubble like I was lead to believe it would be in NCT classes - bubbles are soft and dreamy - this was neither of those things, it was wild and intense).

I certainly was not one of those people you saw ‘popping’ to the shops or going for a walk within days of birth. Both times - for different reasons - I could barely stand up at first, let alone drag the body I was attempting to re-acquaint myself with, to any public place.

I saw others doing this though - and I felt like I must be weaker than them to not be able to just get up and get on with things.

Documenting my messy reality

I look back at some of the photos on my phone through eyes of pure compassion for my past self. I am glad I snapped moments of the hardest points as well as the joyful moments, because they remind me of what I have traveled with.

If I am ever in any doubt that I can ‘do hard things’ I have these visual memories to give me evidence that I can, and will be OK.

A few days after giving birth to Vesper, it took me a long time to get out of bed in the mornings and I had to make sure I was fully dosed up on pain killers to enable me to even stand up. The bathroom in our house is downstairs - and the first night I was at home after surgery I got stuck on the stairs in the middle of the night and couldn’t move due to the pain. Yes… I said it. Pain.

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So what I am sharing here today is not glamorous… it is rough and real and might even feel uncomfortable to see at times. If you aren’t ready for the reality - then perhaps don’t read any further.

It certainly feels a little stretchy to share. But the fact that some part of me has been lead to believe that the true reality of post partum is ‘ugly’ or not palatable… is the very reason I need to share it.

Someof the things nobody warned me about…

I do want to highlight the fact that of course every body, every birth, every postpartum will look different - but for me, this was it…

Swollen legs (both times I had to wear sexy socks for weeks after - see the photo at the bottom for evidence).

Haemorrhoids BOTH times. With Sophia I actually cried when I had my first shower after birth and felt what appeared to be a golf ball hanging out of me, I had to beg the GP to give me something stronger than the regular pharmacy cream as I was terrified of my first bowel movement. With Vesper because I was so anaemic I had to be on strong iron tablets and they gave me awful constipation which saw the return of my old friends.

Trapped wind… after my Caesarian Birth I had the most awful trapped wind in the first few days after - it seemed to be triggered by breast feeding when my uterus contracted as well. I was in agony and had no prior warning that this could be an issue - and could also show up in the most bizarre places in the body! Who knew!?

And yes… your uterus contracting days after birth everytime you breasfteed is also a potential reality.

Infections. I had quite severe tearing during my vaginal birth with Sophia and the wound got infected around 5 weeks post partum. I had done everything I could to prevent it, and yet still… somehow it made me feel shameful, as though I wasn’t taking care of myself properly… and I was mortified. Apparently it is so much more common than people share about. PLUS… after being on antibiotics because of the infection I then got thrush. Just when you think that your vulva can’t go through any more!

Bleeding. Both times I bled on and off for up to around 5 or 6 weeks. I didn’t expect that but again - apparently very normal. Sanitary towels didn’t touch it to start - I tried Period Pants this time round to be more eco and vagina friendly - but they rubbed my scar - so back to the giant pads it was for me.

Nausea and lack of appetite. Particularly with my first baby, but also a bit with my second, I had a really low appetite for the first week or so - in fact I felt pretty queasy a lot of the time. Everyone talks about nourishing with hearty food and making sure you are eating enough, especially if breast feeding, but I really struggled with that and I think it did have an impact on my healing.

The night sweats. I have never experienced anything like it. Both times I would wake up in the night surrounded by soaked sheets with sweat pouring from my body - this went on for weeks. Longer with Vesper. Why did nobody tell me about them?

Feeding… has to be a whole topic of it’s own…

Oh where do I even start with the feeding. I have written about my breastfeeding struggles, and recorded podcasts about it as well, so I won’t repeat everything here, but if you want to explore more you can listen to my journey with Sophia here and also read more about my journey with Vesper here.

This photo is of me with my first born and the lactation consultant I hired to help me after around a week of blistered nipples, excruciating pain, an absolutely irate and hungry baby who had dropped more weight than she should have, and my mental health seriously nose diving.

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My breasts have always been large, but just after birth they were enormous. They became really engorged and I now know that caused me to get mastitis and ultimately bought my breastfeeding journey with Sophia to a close after ten short long days.

I look at the photos I have of me during this time and my heart aches for that version of me - I absolutely punished myself for giving up, and for struggling, and felt like I had failed my baby in so many ways.

With Vesper I had a little wisdom from lived experience, so I was slightly more gentle on myself, and I had many levels of support in place - one of them being formula - to give us the best chance of breast feeding. We ended up ‘triple feeding’ - which meant I was breast feeding, pumping AND topping up with formula. It was exhausting if I am honest, but it did enable me to breastfeed on some level until she was 9 months old - which felt like a huge achievement after the struggles at the start.

Massive pants, double pumping and a box of used needles that we had to dispose of from my anticoagulant injections. I won’t lie - they stung like hell and I did a massive celebration when they came to an end.

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Having to learn how to be in my body again

While I felt the instant relief of not carrying a baby inside me straight away - I won’t lie, I didn’t love pregnancy especially the second time round - I don’t think anyone prepares you for the feeling of emptiness and the re-arrangement of your insides as your uterus starts to shrink down after giving birth.

My first labour was long - very, very long - I hadn’t slept or eaten in over 48 hours and I felt like I had been in a car crash. Every muscle in my body ached, I had chipped a tooth somehow (I am guessing from clamping down on the gas and air) and I damaged a nerve in my wrist from holding on while pushing.

I didn’t get to experience labour in the birth of my second daughter, as she as born by elective caesarian - but it took me over a week to even be able to stand up straight.

Taken on about day 5… it felt like I would never be able to stand up straight again, I had resumed some kind of hunched back position.

I actually wish I had taken more photos of myself in the first few days but I couldn’t face looking at myself in the mirror to be honest because my body felt so far removed from what I had known previously. I totally disassociated - perhaps in order to surrender to allowing surgery to take place - and it definitely took some time to land back and learn how to be with the pain and healing that was taking place.

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Adjusting my nervous system

I make no secret to the fact that I have a highly sensitive nervous system and tend towards the anxious side of things. It is why I have spent the last decade learning, studying and teaching practices that support down regulation. BUT - nobody ever told me that I would have to adapt to my nervous system being in a semi-heightened state ALL OF THE TIME.

At first after birth I just felt chronically anxious and thought there was something wrong with me - but then I realised that I was of course not only having to be hyper-vigilant for my own safety (which I had got used to over the years) but now I was extending this to keeping this other being safe as well. (you can listen to a podcast episode I recorded on this topic here.)

I learned how important it was for me to double down on my nervous system soothing practices, which of course is easier said than done when that used to look like a long Yoga Nidra practice, hours of walking in nature, regular yoga classes, daily meditations, time spent pouring over a journal… now it was micro moments and pockets of simple self soothing (I have a post coming soon on the actual practices I lean on).

All those years I had turned to my mat time and time again were actually to prepare me for these years when I can’t get to the mat (or not for long anyway) and the muscle memory and practices have actually embedded themselves into my body so I can access them in the moments I need them most.

Thank you past Lauren!

The tears… oh the tears

As hormones shift and change, as milk comes in, as you adjust to life beyond pregnancy and birth, as you bleed, as your exhaustion accumulates… the emotional impact of this is huge and so rarely spoken about - or shared. It goes way beyond the first few weeks as well - in fact I would argue that the emotional side of things is almost MORE challenging after the initial fourth trimester cocoon comes to a close.

I have honestly never cried so many tears as I have since my babies were born. I distinctly remember on day 5 after Sophia’s birth I stood in the shower and broke down at the sheer weight of responsibility I felt. It was monumental and I hadn’t prepared for that. I could barely look after myself, how on earth was I supposed to care for this little being?

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Facing the reality

I can’t help but wonder, why is it that we feel so much of this has to be hidden away and kept secret? Is it because we don’t want to ‘put people off’? Or ‘scare’ them? Or is it that we have become so accustomed to keeping the messiness of being a woman hidden, that the truth of birth and beyond is deemed ‘too much’?

Women have been taught to be ‘pretty’, ‘neat’, ‘clean’, ‘put together’, ‘quiet’ - and yet birth and postpartum totally goes against this.

These words by Rupi Kaur came to mind as I wrote this and I think capture the essence of what makes my rage and grief rise up to the surface when I consider all of this.

I feel that we owe it to other women, other Mothers, to show them the truth. The power in their body. That they are in a becoming phase - a metamorphosis - and that takes time and patience, it looks like blood, sweat and tears.

Postpartum - the early bit especially - is wild, and not in the ‘fun party gal’ kind of way, but in the primal, earthy, visceral way. If postpartum had a sound - I think it would be a grunt, a growl, a groan or a howl.

A few more real images for you from the early postpartum days.

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I feel so grateful that I myself was held so tenderly through these early days - while it wasn’t easy, it was made gentler by this support. Held by midwives and breastfeeding support, by my husband and my daughter as they adjusted too, by my treasured friends who brought round snacks and let me cry on voice notes to them, by my parents who cooked and fed us for the entire month after and by other family members who we leant on for many things.

To close, I have a little ask of you today - would you share a bit of the reality of your own postpartum? Maybe a post? Maybe a note? Maybe just a response in the comments? Maybe an email back to me? I understand this focuses on a very tender time - and some things are not meant to be shared - but if you feel inspired or called to break the secret silence around real postpartum… I would love to hear it.

Until next time…

With so much love,

Lauren

xxx

PS… I am currently offering a month free trial to my paid offerings - which gives you access to all of the soothing meditations in The Vault, as well as behind the scenes audios such as this one and more.