On responsibility in Motherhood and a highly sensitive nervous system...

One of the things that surprised me the most when I became a Mother...

A butterfly hanging out on my Buddleia in the garden, no relevance to this piece at all but it made me smile!

I had plans to write about other things this week - and yet as always I have to tune in to what is most on my heart right now… and this week that has been a heavy weight of responsibility.

I gave birth to Sophia - my first daughter - in September 2019. On the fifth day after she was born I remember standing in the shower crying my eyes out with this overwhelming sense of responsibility. It practically took my breath away.

We had been having huge struggles with breastfeeding, I still felt as though I had been in a car crash after a very long labour with many twists and turns, I was utterly shell shocked by the entirety of it all and I have the distinct memory of thinking… ‘how can I possibly look after this little being when right now I can barely look after myself?’ The weight of being a Mother and being solely responsible for her existence in that moment absolutely terrified me.

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I have lived my life with anxiety for a long time - probably more time with it (as I approach 40 years old in just over a month) than without. Some days I haven’t been able to function - and yet at the same time I have over functioned - and in those early days of Motherhood I felt so much fear that my anxiety would stop me from being able to look after this little being.

This weight of responsibility that I felt was a major factor in my decision to stop breastfeeding Sophia after ten days - partly due to mastitis and severe nipple damage, partly due to lack of knowledge and not having the right kind of support quick enough - but also because mentally I was really struggling to hold the weight of her entire survival being on me. (You can listen to more on my first breastfeeding journey here if you are interested)

Since then - this responsibility piece is always the thing that I struggle with the most. It isn’t the practical elements of Mothering solo that get me so much as the emotional load of being responsible for not just one, but now two little ones.

It is why my nervous system settles when I am with the right kind of people - but particularly when I am with my husband and we are sharing the weight. It is why I dread being alone with them at night if my husband is away because I feel on high alert and don’t sleep at all. Our nervous system is fundamentally designed to be in connection with others, and yet… so many of us spend a huge part of our days alone - and this I believe is one of the greatest tragedies of modern motherhood. We aren’t supposed to hold it all - it is too big for on person.

I have a very sensitive nervous system, I am highly attuned to my senses. It is why at the very core of all my self care practices - and also of my work with others - nervous system regulation is at the heart of it. I do think some people handle this better than others - but for me I have come to understand and accept that it is something I have to tread carefully with.

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What prompted this to surface this week?

There are so many unspoken responsibilities in Motherhood, and one of the things I have often found myself tying up in knots over is making decisions for these little beings - especially ones that will have a significant impact.

This week, my husband and I decided to move my daughter from her current childcare setting to a more structured pre-school as of September, she is going into her last year before she starts school in 2024 and it feels like she is ready for a little change.

Even though it was a shared decision - it was me that instigated it, and me that visited the pre-school, me that liaised with the manager… it will be me that does the settling in sessions and preps her for the change. It is me that feels terrified I will make the wrong decision for her and cause her distress or upset.

I have always been very good at following my intuition - and other people say that you ‘just know’ when it comes to your children. People share about ‘mother’s intuition’… but my intuition often gets hijacked when it is making a decision for my daughters because I tend to go into over analysis mode. I find my intuition harder to access in these times. I’ve agonised over things because there is a part of me that doesn’t trust I am capable of making a good choice for them.

And so I find myself seeking out reassurance from others. Doubting. Questioning. Worrying. It leaves me wide open and very susceptible to outside influence.

In other areas of my life I absolutely trust my decisions - but for some reason when it comes to my babies I have to work really hard at staying tuned in to what is right for us as a family instead of what others think all the time.

I guess maybe I want someone else to make the decision so that if it doesn’t go as planned I can’t beat myself up about it. There is definitely a big chunky layer of perfectionism in there… something I will probably forever be unraveling!

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In these situations I have to go back and tune into the moment that first sparked my decision - when I get back to the purity of the piece of information that started the process in the first place - there is where my answer lies. It means getting back in my body and out of my head.

In this case it was a clear YES… a soft and gentle knowing that this is absolutely the right decision and even though I have been experiencing a lot of sadness about the end of an era of her finishing at the nursery she has been at since just over the age of 1 - I know in my heart that I can grieve the end of a chapter, while also feeling excited for a new one to begin for her.

Oh the paradox… always.

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So how do I support myself?

One of the gifts of learning to hold these impactful responsibilities is that my capacity has expanded because I have had to slowly grow and expand my window of tolerance. It’s like four years of Mothering has given me the evidence to prove that actually I can hold more than I thought I could. But it takes practice! Non negotiable nervous system regulation (alongside my children) for me looks like some of the following…

• Multiple times a day using my breath as a check in.

• Ensuring I am breathing fully into my belly and not just into my chest

• Grounding myself by holding and rubbing my hands, my feet, my shoulders, my head.

• Repeating ‘I am OK’ to myself many many times.

• Energetic hygiene practices - my favourite ways are with water, nature, visualisation, crystals and essential oil sprays.

• Listening to music that soothes me.

• Turning off said music and as many sounds as possible if I find myself super overstimulated.

• Hugging my children.

• Looking into my children’s eyes.

• Standing still and imagining my energy plugging in to the ground.

• Laying down at any opportunity (playing ‘doctors’ is a great one for this with my three year old!!!)

• Dancing and shaking it out (another great one to do with kids)

• Getting outside in nature - with or without the children - it always holds me.

• Singing loudly!

• Play that uses my hands - something like play doh or kinetic sand is great for squeezing and entertaining little ones.

• Eating blood sugar balancing food.

• Voice noting friends who understand me.

• Consciously making an effort to be around other people I feel safe with.

Do you have any you can add to the list? How do you regulate yourself alongside your little ones? I would love to hear some of yours in the comments…

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Other things I’m sitting with this week…

I am contemplating taking the summer off Instagram to explore how this impacts me - as I really feel that as someone who IS extremely sensitive to stimulation - the platform is just becoming way too much for me. I am yet to take the plunge but I feel the spaciousness calling to me and this article by Helen Redfern really really spoke to me!

After a few weeks of the baby’s sleep settling a tiny bit, and at least managing to get her down in the evenings for a bit, everything has gone to sh*t again. So I feel a bit of a broken woman. I read this post in IG about what it is like to have an ‘orchid baby’ and it really struck a chord with me.

I am really excited about my new online home coming along… it’s the most unique design in a website that I’ve done before and I just want to dive in and create on it… but… the spaciousness is not there to do that. I’m having to practice a lot of patience!! I can’t wait to share it with you!

I’ve been struggling a bit over the last week with feeling a bit low in my mood. I think my menstrual cycle is coming back as breastfeeding is reducing down to just night feeds and I can feel those familiar rhythms in my body starting to ebb and flow again. On one hand I’m looking forward to the seasons and shifts that arise as I find so much magic and richness in the cyclical changes within my body… but I also feel like it signifies the end of a chapter in my Motherhood journey and I can’t help but feel very emotional about that.

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So now I would love to hear how you are doing this week… how is your heart feeling? What are you sitting with?

Until next time…

With so much love

xxx

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