Thank you. I love how the right words always find me at the right time on Substack. I have 4 year old and 18m old. Have been very snappy this morning. Wrung out, you wrote, YES, that is how I am feeling today. 5 days with both of them and I still have to ask to have a 10 min cup of tea by myself, am found after 5 mins, and still find it hard to deny my 4 year olds request to play. Mild resentment has been bubbling and martyrdom is the familiar default. How am I going to chose myself amidst the relentless childcare of the Easter Holidays? What can I do to fill my cup (whilst not letting the house & laundry fall into anarchy?! 😅) I wish I could let it fall into anarchy, not notice the things piling up. The only way I can tune out is to be out of the house and physically away from the people and stuff within it that constantly demand my attention!
I hear you and witness all of this. The dance of it all feels relentless at times, I have definitely felt my slight anxiety rise at the prospect of two weeks with a lot less childcare, and knowing how much my eldest needs to be stimulated and social while my littlest is like Velcro (similar ages to your two) is overwhelming at times. It is such a push and pull.
I have to say, my one non negotiable is having a cleaner for two hours every fortnight because I simply do not have the capacity to do a thorough clean - I am OK with the house being spotless... but the washing... oh gosh that does build up!!!
I think you raise such an important point though because getting out of the house is so important for a perspective shift, I find because I work from home too, I spend so much time (particularly over the winter months) in the house that I get really down. The moment I step outside and go somewhere else it totally shifts me. Yet another way of remembering what nourishes me.
In the busy times it is all about the micro moments for me. Today my littlest was on the trampoline and I took my shoes off for a few minutes on the grass (it was a bit cold and wet) and sipped on some cacao... it was only a few minutes and then I was trying to stop her from hurling herself off the trampoline - but those little moments are so powerful, especially when they add up through the day.
Anyway - this is turning into a post in itself... I am so grateful for you reading and sharing your reflections. Thank you. xxx
I relate to so much you share here Lauren. Homesickness...yes. That's what it feels like. And like you I feel a door is shut pretty hard. There's so much gripping in my body, safety in trying to be in control of everything. The safety of the familiar, though - not the true safety that allows slowness and softening. That comes with knowing everything really is OK.
Also I relate to what you shared about the generations of hardworking women. I have so little connection to my maternal line but what I do know is there is so much trauma from my grandmother and my mother that is imprinted in me. And the story around my mother when she was alive and after she died was always how hard she worked, how she grafted to get everything she had. My dad always said how 'tough' she was - like this was the greatest thing anyone could be. As a kid I remember how controlling my mother seemed to be of everything and how stressed and angry it seemed to make her, and I thought - I can't imagine being like that. Now, aged 37, here I am - doing exactly that!! Using her same coping mechanisms to feel safe.
I'm so glad to hear you have been calling in so much for just YOU and thank you for this reminder - I need to do this too, I know I do. When we model this, we give others permission. Grateful to you xxx
Oh wow hun, this is such a powerful reflection to share, and gosh doesn't it highlight all the words we have been told we need to be... 'tough', 'hard working'... and other rigid words that do not allow for our softness at all. It is such a deep journey of unpicking but the awareness is there and I feel like we have to give ourselves the grace to be healing in real time. And yes... we truly do have to be the change we want to see so that we can show others what is possible - I hope that you can find those snippets for you even in micro moments. So grateful for you and your words here. xxxx
So beautiful Lauren, thank you for this reminder. It is so easy to lose ourselves when others’ demands are so loud and we don’t intentionally choose ourselves. It resonates that it is now a different, evolved version of myself that I am returning to, with all of the past selves contained there too. I love your remembering list and feel called to do that, in my mind I’ve been calling it ‘pieces of me’ and also making my joyful practices a priority when I can. I totally feel the guilt you mention and also the diminishing of my own needs when others’ feel larger, more important (or louder). Perhaps there is also something about an underlying control thing too, that they can’t possibly survive if I go off for half a day but of course they do and in fact they thrive! Thank you also for talking to the challenges and discomfort of being at home with children, it feels very validating to hear that it is not the easy option (as can be not so subtly insinuated)! xx
Oh I love that 'pieces of me'... like calling back all the fragments... beautiful. I hope you do get to write the list. And yes... the control thing... I feel that deeply. I know I can be way over the top with things and then actually almost surprised when everything has gone smoothly... and sometimes even a little 'miffed' that it seems to have gone way more gently than it feels when I am doing it. But I think there is a bit of a novelty piece to that for them all too. So grateful for YOU. xxxx
I have some very similar issues with taking that me time, Lauren. I think as well I try to tell myself that work is respite. I know from recent experiences that I need to work and I need that stretch of my creative muscles whether its writing/design but while it is essential, it isn’t truly rest in itself and it isn’t just for me. It’s definitely something I want to try to forge into our weekends that aren’t filled with work: time for ourselves - my partner and I are so frazzled without it. Thank you for the reminder 🙌🏻❤️
Exactly this... I love my work and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking I am doing something for me when I am working. But the reality is it is fulfilling and I enjoy it, but it isn't just purely for me, and I think I often forget what things 'for me' really look like because I have spent so long in the hard working patterns. But the remembering does feel sweet and I can see just how powerful even small moments of vitamin ME (Still giggling at that one!!) can do. I hope you can find ways to weave it in - it might feel uncomfortable at first but I think once you get a taste for it you will drink it in. Thank you for your support always. xxx
Wow 103 years old - that’s amazing longevity! How wonderful to have four generations celebrating all together like that 💕 I’m thinking a lot about grandparents - and grandmothers especially - at the moment. I’d love to hear more about your grandmother’s life some day if you ever feel like sharing some of her story. Extraordinary to have experienced the 1920s and now the 2020s.
It was truly magical - and very emotional actually. I would so love to write more about my grandmother's life... I have a craving to actually go and write it down or record it with her. Just imagine the difference between those years... it blows my mind!!! xxx
I relate so much to this especially yoga mat part, my many mats are my alter, to meditate, to practice Asana, to journal, to work.
This has actually made me cry after another long night of teething and night terrors in my eldest. It's been a poorly house for nearly 3 weeks and I am craving some vitamin ME! (Love this) and realise I need to do this daily. I have lost my temper and took it out on my eldest far too many times, it happens I'm human but it breaks me. Thank you always for your honesty words, encouraging me to lean in and be with myself. ❤️
That sounds so tough lovely, I really hope that you have some breaks and healthfulness soon. I have been there multiple times - over and over - on the losing temper... and all we can do is show ourselves compassion. It hurts though. I know that feeling well. I hope you can be gentle as you grow with your babies.
I truly hope you get some Vitamin ME soon... and that you can at least find your sanctuary for micro moments on your mat. I am so glad that we are kindred spirits on that one. xxx
Oh lovely - thank you so much for reading, and thank you even more for writing your own remembrance list - I am so happy it inspired you to do that and hope that it shows you how to stay in your magic. xxx
Loved this. My 3 boys are now teenagers and I still found this so relatable, albeit at a different season in life. Thank you for this beautiful, heartfelt piece Lauren.
Oh Lauren, the poem at the end, gosh that made me emotional - lots of nights trying to settle my youngest with his constant scratching because of his eczema, and the feeling of helplessness that I as his mum can't settle him. Feeling like I should know how to settle him but I can't. But what you say in the poem about having that thread of connection - I'm going to remind myself of that in those dark and lonely nights.
I love that list you wrote about the things that make you you - what a great list to come back to again and again, I need to write one of these lists.
A fantastic post Lauren, I just relate to every single word! xx
Oh I truly truly know that feeling - for V it was often discomfort in her tummy not the scratching - but not being able to soothe them and just having to ride out the crying until it either eased or they were so exhausted they fell asleep - feels utterly heart breaking. That thread has got me through so many nights.
I hope you do get to write your list - it is such a beautiful reminder and anchor to create for ourselves. Thank you for reading and for sharing what it meant to you - I really appreciate it. xxx
Oh bless her, the tummy pain is so hard too. It's so hard to ride it out isn't it, and often they only want you as well. I reminded myself of that thread last night.
Hoping to do some journalling later today on that list, enjoying a slow Easter Sunday here after a busy day yesterday - hope you are having a lovely Easter weekend xxx
That poem pull all my heart strings...we are night weaning this week and there has been a lot of crying and rocking in the dark. Thank you for this whole piece, I love every part of it. I’ve been thinking I should get a new yoga mat but it is the one I used through teacher training and I cannot seem to part with it. Your writing move my soul and heart every time.
Oh sending you hugs and love for night weaning, that must be intense on all of you. Holding your tender heart from afar.
Ahhh I love you still have your YTT mat too. I actually do have a newer one I bought, which I like, but I can’t part with my old one and still prefer practising on it. Like those comfy old shoes that never let you down. Xxx
Beautiful. I feel like being broken and brilliant all at once is the path we walk in those early years. Now my kids are nine and three my time is more my own and my spirit is so tired. ✨🙏
Broken and brilliant… oh yes this describes it very well. I definitely get that tired spirit feeling… I wonder if it ever doesn’t feel tired after Motherhood?!?!? 🙄
Coming from my own lineage of hardworking women over here! It's quite the gift of heritage to unravel, and has its own dark underbelly...I'm so curious about the many stories your grandmother and her long years must hold.
What a beautiful list of remembrance. I did something very similar for my new years resolutions this year, more or less freewriting a list of the many ways I support my own thriving (and thus the thriving of my whole family). I really savored the idea of your yoga mat being a sort of traveling homecoming; objects and talismans of safety have felt very near and dear to my heart from the time I was a small girl. Never a yoga mat, but I had a a small ceramic elephant I carried with me for years in my early twenties, and in my late teens I had a small ribbon necklace with an Icelandic symbol of protection on it.
That is so perfectly described... a dark underbelly. I absolutely love hearing the stories from my grandmother, she was in the WAF and met my Grandfather as he was in service and flew on the Lancaster Bombers, she told me recently how he asked her to marry him - it was so beautiful.
I also love that thought of listing the ways that you can support your own thriving... in fact thrive is a word that is coming up a lot for me... I wrote in my journal today 'reclaiming our ability to thrive as Mothers'... because it feels like we have been dimmed in order to not be fully in our power. It feels like a deep realisation, and a dark one at that.
Your talismans sound magical, I have always felt like that with jewellery too. I think I have lots of traveling altars when I really consider it. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. xxx
Thank you. I love how the right words always find me at the right time on Substack. I have 4 year old and 18m old. Have been very snappy this morning. Wrung out, you wrote, YES, that is how I am feeling today. 5 days with both of them and I still have to ask to have a 10 min cup of tea by myself, am found after 5 mins, and still find it hard to deny my 4 year olds request to play. Mild resentment has been bubbling and martyrdom is the familiar default. How am I going to chose myself amidst the relentless childcare of the Easter Holidays? What can I do to fill my cup (whilst not letting the house & laundry fall into anarchy?! 😅) I wish I could let it fall into anarchy, not notice the things piling up. The only way I can tune out is to be out of the house and physically away from the people and stuff within it that constantly demand my attention!
I hear you and witness all of this. The dance of it all feels relentless at times, I have definitely felt my slight anxiety rise at the prospect of two weeks with a lot less childcare, and knowing how much my eldest needs to be stimulated and social while my littlest is like Velcro (similar ages to your two) is overwhelming at times. It is such a push and pull.
I have to say, my one non negotiable is having a cleaner for two hours every fortnight because I simply do not have the capacity to do a thorough clean - I am OK with the house being spotless... but the washing... oh gosh that does build up!!!
I think you raise such an important point though because getting out of the house is so important for a perspective shift, I find because I work from home too, I spend so much time (particularly over the winter months) in the house that I get really down. The moment I step outside and go somewhere else it totally shifts me. Yet another way of remembering what nourishes me.
In the busy times it is all about the micro moments for me. Today my littlest was on the trampoline and I took my shoes off for a few minutes on the grass (it was a bit cold and wet) and sipped on some cacao... it was only a few minutes and then I was trying to stop her from hurling herself off the trampoline - but those little moments are so powerful, especially when they add up through the day.
Anyway - this is turning into a post in itself... I am so grateful for you reading and sharing your reflections. Thank you. xxx
I relate to so much you share here Lauren. Homesickness...yes. That's what it feels like. And like you I feel a door is shut pretty hard. There's so much gripping in my body, safety in trying to be in control of everything. The safety of the familiar, though - not the true safety that allows slowness and softening. That comes with knowing everything really is OK.
Also I relate to what you shared about the generations of hardworking women. I have so little connection to my maternal line but what I do know is there is so much trauma from my grandmother and my mother that is imprinted in me. And the story around my mother when she was alive and after she died was always how hard she worked, how she grafted to get everything she had. My dad always said how 'tough' she was - like this was the greatest thing anyone could be. As a kid I remember how controlling my mother seemed to be of everything and how stressed and angry it seemed to make her, and I thought - I can't imagine being like that. Now, aged 37, here I am - doing exactly that!! Using her same coping mechanisms to feel safe.
I'm so glad to hear you have been calling in so much for just YOU and thank you for this reminder - I need to do this too, I know I do. When we model this, we give others permission. Grateful to you xxx
Oh wow hun, this is such a powerful reflection to share, and gosh doesn't it highlight all the words we have been told we need to be... 'tough', 'hard working'... and other rigid words that do not allow for our softness at all. It is such a deep journey of unpicking but the awareness is there and I feel like we have to give ourselves the grace to be healing in real time. And yes... we truly do have to be the change we want to see so that we can show others what is possible - I hope that you can find those snippets for you even in micro moments. So grateful for you and your words here. xxxx
So beautiful Lauren, thank you for this reminder. It is so easy to lose ourselves when others’ demands are so loud and we don’t intentionally choose ourselves. It resonates that it is now a different, evolved version of myself that I am returning to, with all of the past selves contained there too. I love your remembering list and feel called to do that, in my mind I’ve been calling it ‘pieces of me’ and also making my joyful practices a priority when I can. I totally feel the guilt you mention and also the diminishing of my own needs when others’ feel larger, more important (or louder). Perhaps there is also something about an underlying control thing too, that they can’t possibly survive if I go off for half a day but of course they do and in fact they thrive! Thank you also for talking to the challenges and discomfort of being at home with children, it feels very validating to hear that it is not the easy option (as can be not so subtly insinuated)! xx
Oh I love that 'pieces of me'... like calling back all the fragments... beautiful. I hope you do get to write the list. And yes... the control thing... I feel that deeply. I know I can be way over the top with things and then actually almost surprised when everything has gone smoothly... and sometimes even a little 'miffed' that it seems to have gone way more gently than it feels when I am doing it. But I think there is a bit of a novelty piece to that for them all too. So grateful for YOU. xxxx
I have some very similar issues with taking that me time, Lauren. I think as well I try to tell myself that work is respite. I know from recent experiences that I need to work and I need that stretch of my creative muscles whether its writing/design but while it is essential, it isn’t truly rest in itself and it isn’t just for me. It’s definitely something I want to try to forge into our weekends that aren’t filled with work: time for ourselves - my partner and I are so frazzled without it. Thank you for the reminder 🙌🏻❤️
Exactly this... I love my work and I have kind of tricked myself into thinking I am doing something for me when I am working. But the reality is it is fulfilling and I enjoy it, but it isn't just purely for me, and I think I often forget what things 'for me' really look like because I have spent so long in the hard working patterns. But the remembering does feel sweet and I can see just how powerful even small moments of vitamin ME (Still giggling at that one!!) can do. I hope you can find ways to weave it in - it might feel uncomfortable at first but I think once you get a taste for it you will drink it in. Thank you for your support always. xxx
Wow 103 years old - that’s amazing longevity! How wonderful to have four generations celebrating all together like that 💕 I’m thinking a lot about grandparents - and grandmothers especially - at the moment. I’d love to hear more about your grandmother’s life some day if you ever feel like sharing some of her story. Extraordinary to have experienced the 1920s and now the 2020s.
It was truly magical - and very emotional actually. I would so love to write more about my grandmother's life... I have a craving to actually go and write it down or record it with her. Just imagine the difference between those years... it blows my mind!!! xxx
I relate so much to this especially yoga mat part, my many mats are my alter, to meditate, to practice Asana, to journal, to work.
This has actually made me cry after another long night of teething and night terrors in my eldest. It's been a poorly house for nearly 3 weeks and I am craving some vitamin ME! (Love this) and realise I need to do this daily. I have lost my temper and took it out on my eldest far too many times, it happens I'm human but it breaks me. Thank you always for your honesty words, encouraging me to lean in and be with myself. ❤️
That sounds so tough lovely, I really hope that you have some breaks and healthfulness soon. I have been there multiple times - over and over - on the losing temper... and all we can do is show ourselves compassion. It hurts though. I know that feeling well. I hope you can be gentle as you grow with your babies.
I truly hope you get some Vitamin ME soon... and that you can at least find your sanctuary for micro moments on your mat. I am so glad that we are kindred spirits on that one. xxx
Wow Lauren. Tears and goosebumps reading this. Thank you for your words as always ♥️ just written my own remembrance list x
Oh lovely - thank you so much for reading, and thank you even more for writing your own remembrance list - I am so happy it inspired you to do that and hope that it shows you how to stay in your magic. xxx
Loved this. My 3 boys are now teenagers and I still found this so relatable, albeit at a different season in life. Thank you for this beautiful, heartfelt piece Lauren.
You are so welcome. I am so intrigued as to how the different seasons bring up similar lessons xxx
Oh Lauren, the poem at the end, gosh that made me emotional - lots of nights trying to settle my youngest with his constant scratching because of his eczema, and the feeling of helplessness that I as his mum can't settle him. Feeling like I should know how to settle him but I can't. But what you say in the poem about having that thread of connection - I'm going to remind myself of that in those dark and lonely nights.
I love that list you wrote about the things that make you you - what a great list to come back to again and again, I need to write one of these lists.
A fantastic post Lauren, I just relate to every single word! xx
Oh I truly truly know that feeling - for V it was often discomfort in her tummy not the scratching - but not being able to soothe them and just having to ride out the crying until it either eased or they were so exhausted they fell asleep - feels utterly heart breaking. That thread has got me through so many nights.
I hope you do get to write your list - it is such a beautiful reminder and anchor to create for ourselves. Thank you for reading and for sharing what it meant to you - I really appreciate it. xxx
Oh bless her, the tummy pain is so hard too. It's so hard to ride it out isn't it, and often they only want you as well. I reminded myself of that thread last night.
Hoping to do some journalling later today on that list, enjoying a slow Easter Sunday here after a busy day yesterday - hope you are having a lovely Easter weekend xxx
That poem pull all my heart strings...we are night weaning this week and there has been a lot of crying and rocking in the dark. Thank you for this whole piece, I love every part of it. I’ve been thinking I should get a new yoga mat but it is the one I used through teacher training and I cannot seem to part with it. Your writing move my soul and heart every time.
Oh sending you hugs and love for night weaning, that must be intense on all of you. Holding your tender heart from afar.
Ahhh I love you still have your YTT mat too. I actually do have a newer one I bought, which I like, but I can’t part with my old one and still prefer practising on it. Like those comfy old shoes that never let you down. Xxx
Beautiful. I feel like being broken and brilliant all at once is the path we walk in those early years. Now my kids are nine and three my time is more my own and my spirit is so tired. ✨🙏
Broken and brilliant… oh yes this describes it very well. I definitely get that tired spirit feeling… I wonder if it ever doesn’t feel tired after Motherhood?!?!? 🙄
This was so beautiful Lauren. Absolutely honest and just… all the feels 🥰🥰
Thank you so much for reading lovely one xxx
Coming from my own lineage of hardworking women over here! It's quite the gift of heritage to unravel, and has its own dark underbelly...I'm so curious about the many stories your grandmother and her long years must hold.
What a beautiful list of remembrance. I did something very similar for my new years resolutions this year, more or less freewriting a list of the many ways I support my own thriving (and thus the thriving of my whole family). I really savored the idea of your yoga mat being a sort of traveling homecoming; objects and talismans of safety have felt very near and dear to my heart from the time I was a small girl. Never a yoga mat, but I had a a small ceramic elephant I carried with me for years in my early twenties, and in my late teens I had a small ribbon necklace with an Icelandic symbol of protection on it.
That is so perfectly described... a dark underbelly. I absolutely love hearing the stories from my grandmother, she was in the WAF and met my Grandfather as he was in service and flew on the Lancaster Bombers, she told me recently how he asked her to marry him - it was so beautiful.
I also love that thought of listing the ways that you can support your own thriving... in fact thrive is a word that is coming up a lot for me... I wrote in my journal today 'reclaiming our ability to thrive as Mothers'... because it feels like we have been dimmed in order to not be fully in our power. It feels like a deep realisation, and a dark one at that.
Your talismans sound magical, I have always felt like that with jewellery too. I think I have lots of traveling altars when I really consider it. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. xxx
This is brilliantly, movingly written. Thank you Lauren.
Thank you so much Louise, that means so much. xxx