You can sit with us... in devotion to the women who have hurt me and held me, and the Circles that have healed me...
International Women's Day - Daisy Chain Flower Crown... an honouring of the women in my life and how women's circles have changed my life...
Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Writer, Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Website & Branding Creator, Human Design Guide, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. You can find out more about my work here. Please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy this, and you do have the means, I would be so grateful if you chose to support my creations for £5 a month…
It felt important to share my voice today, so you can also listen to this piece via audio here if you feel called…
Hello lovely one
How are you today? How is your heart feeling? Have you taken a moment to tune into yourself yet? If not - this is your invitation to do so.
Ahhhh…. slow breath out. You have arrived.
Today is International Women’s Day. This is also the first post I have written in over a month after taking an intentional pause to honour my creative energy (you can read more about this here if you missed it). I have MUCH to say about that - but will save it for my letter to you next week, because today is all about US.
A whole day devoted to celebrating women
I often find that International Women’s Day feels both incredibly empowering, and yet also there is a tinge of sadness running through it - because truly women should be treated with reverence every day, and the realisation that it isn’t always the case can sting a little (ok, a lot).
There is also a fragility to it I feel - the relationships between women are still operating from fractured foundations, we are still healing and mending - piece by piece - the wounds from the past.
I am reading
’s book, On Our Best Behaviour right now and there is a part at the start of the book which talks about the impact that the Witch Hunts have had on our DNA - and how our nervous systems have been impacted by the harm caused generations ago. For this reason it simply isn’t the case that we can just jump into woman-to-woman relationships as easily as it might sound on paper. It is deeper than that.I feel these past hurts to my very core.
I have felt it in the lump that forms in my throat when trying to speak out in groups of women.
I have felt it as an ache in my heart when a woman has spoken harsh words behind my back and it has got back to me somehow.
I have felt it in the desire to shrink and hide when a woman I don’t even know has glanced at me with judgement in her eyes.
I have felt it as grief swelling in the water that pools at the back of my eyes and threatens to spill over when shamed by another woman.
I have felt it as an emptiness that forms in the pit of my womb. I have felt it as fear and anxiety that makes my heart rate quicken.
These wounds are not cognitive behaviours… they are deeply embodied.
Visceral. Raw. Painful.
I have spent a vast majority of my lifetime choosing hyper-independence - ‘I can do this by myself’. I hear it in the words of my 4 year old now and it makes me wince - even though of course it is a part of development for her. A stage.
But for me it went further - control and fear driving me to stay attuned to ‘doing it all, by myself’… I was operating from the narrative that told me I needed to be mistrustful of others… specifically other women.
And yet also… there was a longing - a missing piece - that made me ache to be amongst other women. To sit with them. To be accepted. To be seen and heard and ‘part of something’.
This longing has in fact lead me to some incredible collaborations - it has also at times lead me to say yes to things that really weren’t for me out of the desire to feel a sense of belonging - even if that was to something not really aligned to me. It didn’t matter because if I ‘belonged’, then I was worthy and valued, and seen.
A few weeks ago my dear friend
came to me with a question about collaborating on a post for International Women’s Day… and within a few WhatsApp message exchanges an idea had been birthed...
In itself the courage to reach out and ask other women to participate in celebrating one another is a rebellion against these old wounds. A balm for generations.
I am so grateful for the women who have said YES to this creative courageous act…
So my writing today is in response to the invitation above - to sit in this virtual creative space with YOU, and make a beautiful daisy chain of celebration and connection, woman to woman.
If you feel called to contribute - please, please write your words, share them, join us in this creative circle in whatever way you feel called.
The hurt and the heart break
When I reflect on my relationships with women over my 40 years on this earth - I have to be honest and say a lot of my experiences are not overly positive stories.
I have been the girl who was called hurtful names, who was bullied by ‘older girls’ I looked up to and desperately wanted to impress, who was shamed at secondary school for being ‘too much’, or ‘too little’, or ‘too loud’, or ‘too boy mad’.
I have also - shamefully, I admit - been the girl who called others hurtful names, who got carried away in trying to fit into friendship groups by joining in with teasing others, who took sides in seemingly (then) important disagreements between teenagers and undoubtedly caused harm to other girls.
For that I am truly, truly sorry and will spend my lifetime trying to make up for.
It brings an ache to my heart to consider how my younger self could cause pain to another woman - but I also have an element of compassion for her. She truly was trying her hardest to feel a sense of belonging and the cost of that felt irrelevant in comparison to the cost of being on the outside.
I have been the woman who gave up her dreams of being a journalist because at a tender time in her life (aged just 19) a colleague at the magazine I worked at as an editorial assistant belittled and made me feel inadequate as a writer. When I reflect on this time I can see it was a lot more about HER than it was about me - but I took her constant criticism and put-downs to heart and saw it as a signal that I wasn’t good enough.
I have walked into a classroom at school - multiple times - to hear the sniggers and whispers from a group of other girls that I KNEW where talking about me. It still makes my tummy flip thinking about it now.
The deepest heartbreak in my life so far was not in fact from a romantic relationship, but was a childhood female friendship ‘break up’ that shocked me with it’s brutality and still (over ten years on) wipes me out with waves of grief when I consider what was lost.
When I consider the times I have felt my heart has been hurt the most - it has been in my female relationships.
I think it is fair to say that my relationship status with Women would read as ‘complicated’.
And then… held… by other women
On the other side of this I have also felt the most honoured and accepted for the person I am by other women. There is nothing that has healed and nourished me more than standing side by side with women who truly saw me for who I am - and not for the person I was pretending to be.
I have now surrounded myself with women who I feel truly safe enough to be myself with. Who have held me in my darkest moments, have never judged, have loved me for my messiness.
There are women I have met through my business, through Yoga, through motherhood, through shared experiences, through my writing, through school, through courses I have taken…
There are many, many women who I have met online and have never met in person, but that have become some of my most trusted counsels.
Women I have known for all my life, women who live close by, women who are on the other side of the world, women who have moved away, women who have come into my life for a chapter and then walked back out again.
There are women who have witnessed my darkest moments, seen me leaking blood and milk in my early postpartum days, seen me crying in grief at past selves, listened to me express truths that felt terrifying to admit but brought such relief to express, seen me in the midst of anxiety attacks… and they have held me… and healed me… and loved me through it all.
So I come back to my statement earlier… my relationship status with women is… complicated.
Stripping back the mask
It has only been more recently - in fact maybe since I became a Mother - that I have truly felt my external mask being peeled away from my face to unveil the truth of who I am at my centre.
It has had to be a gentle and slow journey - one that I have had to nurture myself through and taken one step at a time. The resistance we hold against opening ourselves up to other women is beyond our lifetime and this healing cannot be rushed.
If we push too hard, too soon, our nervous systems will take us back to the safety of solitude - and it feels like our time is now… to dismantle the wall of protection brick by brick.
I hope - no I pray - that my own daughters will be less impacted by this pain - but that is only if WE are brave enough now to keep stepping towards it. Gently.
But how to unravel?
Healing happens every time we let down our guard and soften our hearts. Every time we smile at another woman. Every time we invite a woman to share space with us in some way. Every time we speak our truth to another woman - not always knowing whether it will be received with love and compassion, or judgement. It can feel risky at times.
It is in collaborating and co creating with women, and knowing - not just saying - that we do not need to compete and fight and bull doze our way in business and life when it comes to co-existing with other women.
For me - the true healing has happened since I opened myself up to Women’s Circles.
Circle has been the medicine for me, both holding it, and being held.
While Women’s Circles have become more ‘mainstream’ in the past few years, there is still a lot of curiosity and skepticism that surfaces when I talk about them with other women. I am often asked ‘what we do’ in circle - and in all honesty I don’t have a clear answer. Every circle I have attended or held has been totally different - and that is one of the beauties of it.
My own journey of stepping into Circle
In 2017 - when I was on a deep healing journey to repair my frazzled nervous system and reconnect back to my heart - I was held in a beautiful circle by a small group of women. Some of whom I knew and some I had never met before. It was the first time I had sat intentionally with other women - those from all stages of life - and it was a huge turning point in my life.
I witnessed, I listened and I was heard. Truly heard. I felt safe, seen and able to let my guard down to show vulnerability that I hadn’t even seen in myself before. It was such deep healing medicine and I will never forget the women who held that for me.
At the time I was lost, in the midst of the chaos of transformation, and at war with my body. I left that circle feeling lighter, more connected to myself and with a sense of remembrance. It felt new and old all at once.
It was just a few days after I was held in this circle that my body gave me an olive branch to reconnect to it - and I had my first menstrual bleed after four years of struggling with Hypothalamic Amennorreah. Physically and emotionally I had been holding so much.
I truly believe sitting in circle was part of that healing, it activated an ancient part of me that had been lying dormant for probably my entire life.
The medicine that flows when women gather…
What I adore about being in Circle - is that there is no hierarchy, no head, no point - all who become the circle are equal and integral to the structure. If one part is missing - the circle is not complete.
In so many healing spaces we are positioned in a room where one person is the leader/teacher/guide - and others follow. There is absolutely a place for this - but when we gather in circle it is about the entire collective energy. It feels so beautifully balanced and whole to me.
Deep, deep listening.
It is rare that we have a space where we can devote ourselves to listening without response. It can be quite challenging for some of us (me included) who feel a natural desire to support and provide solutions - however to truly listen to others without the expectation of having to come up with an answer to ‘solve’ things - creates a space where you can just be fully present to really hear.
Learning to listen not just through words, but also through the energy and language of the body - this is a true gift and has taught me so much about myself and others.
And then there is the power of being listened to…
Being able to speak KNOWING that you are being truly listened to - without the worry that someone will jump in and interrupt, or try and ‘fix’, advise or share their opinion is practically revolutionary. So often in everyday life - when we speak about something that we are going through - although often well intentioned - it can be extremely invalidating when someone jumps in with their thoughts. Sometimes we seek support and guidance, but so often we simply need to be truly heard compassionately in order to truly hear ourselves.
Speaking the unspoken.
Stories and experiences we have been through - that have not been shared before - can become difficult to process when they are not expressed. By bringing them to the light - even if it feels daunting - it can be extremely liberating.
Shared experiences can be healing beyond measure. When another women speaks something true that resonates with another - it gives validation to that experience, it can bring relief and dismantle the loneliness that holding an experience to yourself can have. You don’t even have to discuss it to feel soothed.
To me gathering in circle is a remembering.
Our ancestors would have gathered in circle to celebrate, to honour, to grieve and to support, and it is only in more recent times that this ancient art has been lost.
There is something about sitting in circle that reconnects us back to the roots of women who have gone before us. It unleashes a power - a wildness I think.
There really is nothing quite like it.
Honouring the women before me
So as I steer this piece of writing back towards where it began… with an invitation to write on this International Women’s Day… I want to take a moment to honour the women who have shaped me, gifted me wisdom and held me. The friends - past and present, my Mother, my grandmothers, my Aunties. The women I have met for a lifetime, and the women I have met for a moment. The women who have walked away, the women who have stayed. The women I have laughed with, and ugly cried with. The women who have read my words, who have connected with me, who have collaborated with me.
All of them. All of you.
To bring this piece to a close I would love to invite you to join me in a beautiful practice that was shared with me during a series of Mother Circles I took part in with Kimberly Ann Johnson last year. At the start of each call we were invited to introduce ourselves through our lineage, to name the women who came before us and beyond us. It feels like a beautiful thing to bring to the surface on this day.
I know that for some these relationships are complex, and for others of course there is no way of even knowing the names of these women. I want to acknowledge this, and if this is the case then perhaps you can honour those women who have shaped you into who you are today, or simply honour yourself in this moment and state your name out loud.
I am Lauren. Daughter of Susan Mary. Granddaughter of Joan Elyse and Margaret. Great Granddaughter of Eva, Eva and Maggie. Mother of Sophia and Vesper.
Will you share the names of the women in your lineage? Or those you would like to honour today? I would love to read these names in the comments.
I have the powerful blood of the women who came before me running through my veins, and I stand here today and throw out a prayer of hope for every woman. Those near and far, those living in war-torn countries, those who are hurting, those who are healing, those who are lost, those who are found. I pray that women feel safe enough to speak their voice and to share their hearts, and I pray that the world listens.
In devotion to women everywhere. Always.
Until next time
With so much love
Lauren
xxx
Extra gratitude goes to these amazing women who were part of this invitation.
PS… I am really excited to share that I have brought my podcast: Unravelling over here to Substack. There will be new creations coming soon, but if you want to listen to the archive of episodes you can do so here.
I am Aleesha. Daughter of Corinna. Grand daughter of Sheila and Francis. Great granddaughter of Mary, Emily, and Granny Neal. Mother of Sage and Declan.
Sitting in circle last year with a group of women, speaking of our joys and struggles, and striving to listen rather than fix, was the first time in a long time that I felt deeply connected to other women, especially since the pandemic. The circle was only a couple months long, but we are still in touch and gather and talk, even though we’re all different and probably wouldn’t have crossed paths otherwise.
I am Sarina. Daughter of Claire, granddaughter of Elsie and Shamima, great grand daughter of Muriel and (a name I’ve been trying to recall, so thank you for promoting me to ask this question to my family, I’ve been feeling her and yet I don’t remember her name)
Such depth and honesty here in your words, I have experienced so much of this and resonate so deeply. ‘You can sit with us..’ this expression is SO healing.
Belonging, oh yes, I know that ache.
Thank you for your depth.
Circles forever ⭕️ 🙌