We were never meant to do it alone. It’s right to know you are at your ends and seek solace outside of what motherhood asks. I feel way less guilt 10 years in but I feel guilty for not seeing more of the beauty when I was sleep deprived and broke. even though I tried. We literally can’t win. ✨💞✨
True... we either way there is guilt which in itself is a big problem in my opinion, as where does that stem from? I am sure it isn't innate and is part of a the overculture and expectation. We really weren't meant to mother alone and in the systems that we find ourselves in, although I am also very grateful for the privileges that we have. xxx
This is such a great article Amber, thank you so much for sharing with me, it really does relate a lot and I agree that pushing it away won’t solve things. I can see both sides in me, and the mobile phone thing is really really resonant with me too. xx
Oh yes, this piece resonates a lot! Like you I find it so much easier to list all the things I do wrong - or think I do wrong - than the positive things. And just reading your essay, I fell into the comparison trap because I couldn’t help but hear that snide little voice telling me that I was even ´worse’ because I only had one little one to deal with. Why are we always so hard on ourselves? And yet, I know deep inside that I’m doing more than OK most of the time. And I also know that when I raise my voice, would give anything to isolate myself or feel rage bubbling up in me is each time because I haven’t protected my alone time and energy enough previously - I’m still struggling with this as a projector living with two generators.
But you’re right, it’s time we start being more self-compassionate because we are doing great!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience Mailys, I am so grateful for you taking this to conversation. I find myself doing the same, judging myself in weird sneaky ways but I am practicing more and more catching the words and shifting them. And it is exactly this point... when we have a really resourced foundation then we can tolerate these things so much better but the reality is that for the majority of us our lifestyles don't give us this. I do find myself feeling angry about this often because it seems my little ones get the worst of be because of a set up and system that I didn't choose... but I also have to remind myself of all the choices I DO get to make too. There are so many layers to it all. I think the biggest thing you can do as a Projector living with two generators is give yourself the compassion and gentleness to not have to 'keep up' with them and remember that your value is in your amazing perspective and the way you see things and guide and nurture rather in the 'quantity' of what you do. I realise this is not easy though. You are doing so amazingly, and following your passions to write as well alongside this. I hope you can feel pride in that. xxx
IMHO you are doing absolutely nothing wrong but it’s good to question our behavior attitudes and motives.
But I love your open resonance at the end and those moments near water honoring the sacred may not be your daughters’ favorite part of the days together but I’m sure your quiet joy at perhaps another sunset 🌅 stroll near water while they explore mother land earth and your quietude and contentment speaking volumes to their little minds and spirit!
Love this!
Yeah moms are underrated but we get cheeseburgers done.
Look at you go!
Be proud
Know you’ll fail your kids because we are human beings multidimensional yes but me one mom and I would not ask anyone else to mother MY 3 kids and not much helps from others for me 33 years but my kids prefer hanging out with their dad now so I get a break!
Oh my goodness! Totally identify with this. One of the deepest scars of my own mothering journey is the persistent fear/concern that I'm not a "good mother." My kids are a lot older than yours--my oldest is 21 and I also have an 18, 14, and 10 year olds--and it continues. It is an awful shadow, especially as a devoted creative who simply MUST write/create to stay alive.
I really relate to that 'must write/create to stay alive'... I feel very much the same. It is such a challenge to dance between that and also being a devoted Mother (or what I 'believe' is a devoted mother). Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. xxx
I was struck by your observation that the influx of educational information about parenting can actually lead to more pressure and self-criticism. It's like the more we know, the more we feel responsible for. And that can be overwhelming.
I'm a little late to the whole, parenthood stage of life (ahem... still not there yet... long story). And I simply appreciate these types of essays. We need to trust ourselves more and listen to our hearts.
(Also, I realize I'm probably not your intended demographic for this specific post, but I still very much appreciate your beautiful post. It resonates with many of my anxieties. 🩵)
Thank you Alex, I really appreciate you reading and your perspective. I think it applies so much to many areas of life as well, just this particular experience is very motherhood related. The overwhelming piece with all the information is very key... I crave simplicity and yet it seems impossible almost. 'We need to trust ourselves more and listen to our hearts'... this is everything! xx
This resonates so much and thank you for the audio version- I was able to listen whilst getting dressed :-)
So much there I relate to- assuming I’ve done something wrong, trying to manage the balance between life and school admin, my creative work and being present. Also recognising and appreciating that my son actually enjoys alone time like me- we both get overstimulated. Rather than get annoyed with him I’m learning how we can co-regulate.
I definitely feel guilt around giving processed foods, because whenever I do something a bit different there’s a massive drama - am I ‘bad’ for wanting to avoid drama at the end of a tiring day? There’s a piece there around filling my cup first so I don’t show up for parenting already depleted… but that feels very utopian! 🤔
Yay - so glad you liked the audio. I really enjoy listening to posts (not the auto voice ones though) and I also really enjoy recording them, somehow the words integrate in a different ways.
I am always curious to know how other Mothers do dance with their timings, right now I don't feel like I have it balanced enough to support my own needs but it feels a little uncomfortable still to sway it more in my favour!!! I am so with you on avoiding the drama too... especially at the end of the day when everyone is a bit tired and depleted.
I get that the filling your cup first feels utopian, but I have to question why that has come to be our norm... because surely any way that ensures our kids get the best of us, and we get to enjoy our lives better, 'should' be a better thing? Very multi-layered of course!!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reading. xxx
I hear you on the difficulty to feel our own cup first. I know I should do it more, but it’s not less difficult to put it into practice.
I resonate a lot too with the ´learning how we can co-regulate’. In my case, my daughter functions so differently from me that it is really hard sometimes to find the best way to co-regulate. For instance she always seems so emotional too me but I keep reminding myself that I am the emotional one and that her behavior is triggered by her outside environment - and more often than not, my own emotional waves are what’s really triggering her reactions.
Such an interesting observation about the emotional piece Mailys, I guess it makes it even more crucial that you support your emotional wellbeing because this is where you impact others. These little beings are such mirrors to us! xxx
Hi Lauren, I enjoy reading your perspectives on motherhood and that peek into the nesting years that I loved so dearly. My four children and I played in the snow, covered ourselves in mud, jumped into creeks and rivers, and turned over rocks. They worshiped two cats, rarely helped with the litter box, and grew to understand the importance of giving their talent back to the world. It wasn't a task intended for me alone. We can teach children about what we know, and there is so much more! They learn to let us go, too, and it's so beautiful. Beautiful change.
I recently began repeating something that I read, to the effect of, "when you do your best at something, that makes it sacred." It has elevated my perception of almost everything I do. I see my own efforts in every day as holy -- all of them -- because they represent what we honored in ourselves and in our children at every phase. Creating moments that honor our self expression and creativity without judgment, allows for the beauty to linger and live on inside us as a happy and meaningful experience.
I've set sail on a new sea now as a mother of four individuals who have a whole new world to navigate and we all need time to understand and accept the shifting winds and giant swells. My third daughter has two tiny people of her own now and watching her from the outside, wow, I see how we second guess ourselves, because everything is so immediate and urgent. My rebel move as a mom was nursing as long as we both wanted to. There is nothing selfish about it, and they were all different, but it became one of those things that some people felt a need to judge, and that used to make me feel backed into a corner. Literally! haha!
I love looking back at my journals from those days. I loved writing about each of their summer milestones and interests when school started again, and it's beautiful to share with them. They were overflowing with discovery and newness that got redirected from one week to the next. They grew and began to question the limits of our individual circumstances, and are learning to let go of idealized versions of what life is, and see me more each day as a person, not a magician.
My youngest is my only boy, going on 25, and on a long car ride recently I explained the perspective I have adopted about our best effort being sacred, and he actually said,
"You did a good job mom." Bliss. Then he said, "Here comes another tunnel, hold your breath."
Oh I love your perspective, especially this "I see my own efforts in every day as holy -- all of them -- because they represent what we honored in ourselves and in our children at every phase. Creating moments that honor our self expression and creativity without judgment, allows for the beauty to linger and live on inside us as a happy and meaningful experience."
Oh this was utterly beautiful to read Mary Jean, thank you so much for sharing with me. I adore that idea of taking note of their interests in the summer to share with them when they are older - such a gift for them. And those words from your youngest... that really has got to be the best thing to hear ever!! I can imagine being a grandmother must bring a whole new set of perspectives and viewpoints, I can see it with my girls and their grandparents actually, that relationship is so special.
And what a gift to see every effort as holy... that really does speak to me and I will try and weave it into my days more. Thank you so much. xxx
Thank you for sharing all of this Lauren. I absolutely feel so much of what you say and the mum guilt cocktail mixed with a hint of perfectionism and a huge splash of cultural conditioning/expectation resonated a lot. There is a lot I feel guilt/worry about, but it is such a useful idea to focus on my own values (and also cutting myself some slack sometimes!). I sometimes find that when I am getting annoyed/stressed with my children, it is because of trying to uphold a value that is not my own.
Everyday I am floored by how hard a job this is and I wonder too how it is perceived to be easy/of little value?!
I think that if we are feeling it all so intensely it is because we care so deeply, and are intentional/mindful about our role which in turn must mean that we are not doing as badly as it can sometimes feel?! xx
Absolutely get that feeling of trying to uphold a value that is not my own. That rings so true to me. I agree also... I am floored daily by the intensity of it and how it is not truly recognised and honoured for that. Thank you so much for reading, and always being such a friend and seeing me for my efforts even when I can't see them myself. xxxx
I loved this raw post Lauren, and definitely resonate with going quickly to self blame when parenting. I used to feel it much more often; when the children were younger everything felt more chaotic, and time passing really does help. But not only that - I've done similar self work looking at my values and found it so healing to come back to my centre and my truth and living from there. Celebrating myself - I consciously make time to be with my children and not work, in little pockets like dinner time, making conversation instead of looking at my emails. I do a lot of the things you listed as 'being a bad mother' (like ignoring my kids to do my morning yoga!) but with practise they have become reframed for me from 'bad' to 'prioritising myself'.
Thank you so much for reading Jo, and your words give me hope and inspiration too! I love your celebration here, and I love that you have already reframed so many stories. Deep down I know they are not 'bad' things to do but that part of me that wants to do what I 'should' likes to override my true knowing a lot of the time. Working on that one!!! xxx
So much resonates! I raise my voice, they eat processed food, I've just started working with them next to me and they let me, all of it. A lovely piece and by sharing it shows what a loving honest real amazing Mother you are. I also actually love February as shorter and think of Spring 🌼
Thank you for reading lovely, we are doing such important work in both our creative lives and mothering lives. I hope we can be gentle with ourselves. Praying that the signs of Spring show up sooner rather than later, last weeks grey sent me over the edge!!! xxx
Yes to all of this Lauren! I know we have talked about this so much before and I feel it so much. That practice of writing down what our actual values are and what values we've been given in relation to motherhood sounds so helpful. I have done this before but not specifically to motherhood so much...
Thank you for the invitation to reflect on how we are good mothers. It is so hard to do isn't it?? I have the same 'who do you think you are?' voice. But here I go: I am a good mother because I care so much about doing what is right for River. He's in a nursery that means I have very short work days but he is so happy there. It's a sacrifice I've made for him. I am a good mother because I hold his feelings, I always comfort him when he's upset, I tell him I love him so many times a day and am so physically affectionate to him. I'm a good mother because I see him as inherently good and perfect and try so hard not to get mad or correct him when he makes a 'mistake' of any kind... I am a good mother because I'm trying so hard to raise him differently from how I was raised.
When I write that there is a part of me saying 'yeah! you are trying so hard!' and it's nice to notice that x
I love this celebration of yourself Ellie, it is so beautiful to witness such loving words, and gosh I can see it all and how hard you are working to be the most amazing Mother AND create a beautiful business as well. You are truly an inspiration to me. SO glad you can sit and observe this. The values piece I think is super helpful, it really shows just what is important at our cores. SO grateful for you reading and supporting as always. xxx
We were never meant to do it alone. It’s right to know you are at your ends and seek solace outside of what motherhood asks. I feel way less guilt 10 years in but I feel guilty for not seeing more of the beauty when I was sleep deprived and broke. even though I tried. We literally can’t win. ✨💞✨
True... we either way there is guilt which in itself is a big problem in my opinion, as where does that stem from? I am sure it isn't innate and is part of a the overculture and expectation. We really weren't meant to mother alone and in the systems that we find ourselves in, although I am also very grateful for the privileges that we have. xxx
I read years ago that guilt is one of two things: a signal that your actions are out of alignment with your values, or a sign of anxiety. This really resonates with me and has helped me navigate motherhood! I wrote about it here: https://www.wallflowerjournal.com/opinions-stories/mom-guilt-isnt-something-to-ignore-its-something-to-consider
This is such a great article Amber, thank you so much for sharing with me, it really does relate a lot and I agree that pushing it away won’t solve things. I can see both sides in me, and the mobile phone thing is really really resonant with me too. xx
Oh yes, this piece resonates a lot! Like you I find it so much easier to list all the things I do wrong - or think I do wrong - than the positive things. And just reading your essay, I fell into the comparison trap because I couldn’t help but hear that snide little voice telling me that I was even ´worse’ because I only had one little one to deal with. Why are we always so hard on ourselves? And yet, I know deep inside that I’m doing more than OK most of the time. And I also know that when I raise my voice, would give anything to isolate myself or feel rage bubbling up in me is each time because I haven’t protected my alone time and energy enough previously - I’m still struggling with this as a projector living with two generators.
But you’re right, it’s time we start being more self-compassionate because we are doing great!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience Mailys, I am so grateful for you taking this to conversation. I find myself doing the same, judging myself in weird sneaky ways but I am practicing more and more catching the words and shifting them. And it is exactly this point... when we have a really resourced foundation then we can tolerate these things so much better but the reality is that for the majority of us our lifestyles don't give us this. I do find myself feeling angry about this often because it seems my little ones get the worst of be because of a set up and system that I didn't choose... but I also have to remind myself of all the choices I DO get to make too. There are so many layers to it all. I think the biggest thing you can do as a Projector living with two generators is give yourself the compassion and gentleness to not have to 'keep up' with them and remember that your value is in your amazing perspective and the way you see things and guide and nurture rather in the 'quantity' of what you do. I realise this is not easy though. You are doing so amazingly, and following your passions to write as well alongside this. I hope you can feel pride in that. xxx
Beautiful essaying! On such a tender topic.
IMHO you are doing absolutely nothing wrong but it’s good to question our behavior attitudes and motives.
But I love your open resonance at the end and those moments near water honoring the sacred may not be your daughters’ favorite part of the days together but I’m sure your quiet joy at perhaps another sunset 🌅 stroll near water while they explore mother land earth and your quietude and contentment speaking volumes to their little minds and spirit!
Love this!
Yeah moms are underrated but we get cheeseburgers done.
Look at you go!
Be proud
Know you’ll fail your kids because we are human beings multidimensional yes but me one mom and I would not ask anyone else to mother MY 3 kids and not much helps from others for me 33 years but my kids prefer hanging out with their dad now so I get a break!
Win win
Hope to read more!
Blessings
Thank you Michelle, really appreciate you reading and responding here. I have no doubt the seasons will change and the phases will alter. xxx
Learning to shift and maneuver with the moon is a fantastic goal!
Oh my goodness! Totally identify with this. One of the deepest scars of my own mothering journey is the persistent fear/concern that I'm not a "good mother." My kids are a lot older than yours--my oldest is 21 and I also have an 18, 14, and 10 year olds--and it continues. It is an awful shadow, especially as a devoted creative who simply MUST write/create to stay alive.
I really relate to that 'must write/create to stay alive'... I feel very much the same. It is such a challenge to dance between that and also being a devoted Mother (or what I 'believe' is a devoted mother). Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. xxx
I was struck by your observation that the influx of educational information about parenting can actually lead to more pressure and self-criticism. It's like the more we know, the more we feel responsible for. And that can be overwhelming.
I'm a little late to the whole, parenthood stage of life (ahem... still not there yet... long story). And I simply appreciate these types of essays. We need to trust ourselves more and listen to our hearts.
(Also, I realize I'm probably not your intended demographic for this specific post, but I still very much appreciate your beautiful post. It resonates with many of my anxieties. 🩵)
Thank you Alex, I really appreciate you reading and your perspective. I think it applies so much to many areas of life as well, just this particular experience is very motherhood related. The overwhelming piece with all the information is very key... I crave simplicity and yet it seems impossible almost. 'We need to trust ourselves more and listen to our hearts'... this is everything! xx
This resonates so much and thank you for the audio version- I was able to listen whilst getting dressed :-)
So much there I relate to- assuming I’ve done something wrong, trying to manage the balance between life and school admin, my creative work and being present. Also recognising and appreciating that my son actually enjoys alone time like me- we both get overstimulated. Rather than get annoyed with him I’m learning how we can co-regulate.
I definitely feel guilt around giving processed foods, because whenever I do something a bit different there’s a massive drama - am I ‘bad’ for wanting to avoid drama at the end of a tiring day? There’s a piece there around filling my cup first so I don’t show up for parenting already depleted… but that feels very utopian! 🤔
Yay - so glad you liked the audio. I really enjoy listening to posts (not the auto voice ones though) and I also really enjoy recording them, somehow the words integrate in a different ways.
I am always curious to know how other Mothers do dance with their timings, right now I don't feel like I have it balanced enough to support my own needs but it feels a little uncomfortable still to sway it more in my favour!!! I am so with you on avoiding the drama too... especially at the end of the day when everyone is a bit tired and depleted.
I get that the filling your cup first feels utopian, but I have to question why that has come to be our norm... because surely any way that ensures our kids get the best of us, and we get to enjoy our lives better, 'should' be a better thing? Very multi-layered of course!!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and reading. xxx
I hear you on the difficulty to feel our own cup first. I know I should do it more, but it’s not less difficult to put it into practice.
I resonate a lot too with the ´learning how we can co-regulate’. In my case, my daughter functions so differently from me that it is really hard sometimes to find the best way to co-regulate. For instance she always seems so emotional too me but I keep reminding myself that I am the emotional one and that her behavior is triggered by her outside environment - and more often than not, my own emotional waves are what’s really triggering her reactions.
Such an interesting observation about the emotional piece Mailys, I guess it makes it even more crucial that you support your emotional wellbeing because this is where you impact others. These little beings are such mirrors to us! xxx
Hi Lauren, I enjoy reading your perspectives on motherhood and that peek into the nesting years that I loved so dearly. My four children and I played in the snow, covered ourselves in mud, jumped into creeks and rivers, and turned over rocks. They worshiped two cats, rarely helped with the litter box, and grew to understand the importance of giving their talent back to the world. It wasn't a task intended for me alone. We can teach children about what we know, and there is so much more! They learn to let us go, too, and it's so beautiful. Beautiful change.
I recently began repeating something that I read, to the effect of, "when you do your best at something, that makes it sacred." It has elevated my perception of almost everything I do. I see my own efforts in every day as holy -- all of them -- because they represent what we honored in ourselves and in our children at every phase. Creating moments that honor our self expression and creativity without judgment, allows for the beauty to linger and live on inside us as a happy and meaningful experience.
I've set sail on a new sea now as a mother of four individuals who have a whole new world to navigate and we all need time to understand and accept the shifting winds and giant swells. My third daughter has two tiny people of her own now and watching her from the outside, wow, I see how we second guess ourselves, because everything is so immediate and urgent. My rebel move as a mom was nursing as long as we both wanted to. There is nothing selfish about it, and they were all different, but it became one of those things that some people felt a need to judge, and that used to make me feel backed into a corner. Literally! haha!
I love looking back at my journals from those days. I loved writing about each of their summer milestones and interests when school started again, and it's beautiful to share with them. They were overflowing with discovery and newness that got redirected from one week to the next. They grew and began to question the limits of our individual circumstances, and are learning to let go of idealized versions of what life is, and see me more each day as a person, not a magician.
My youngest is my only boy, going on 25, and on a long car ride recently I explained the perspective I have adopted about our best effort being sacred, and he actually said,
"You did a good job mom." Bliss. Then he said, "Here comes another tunnel, hold your breath."
Oh I love your perspective, especially this "I see my own efforts in every day as holy -- all of them -- because they represent what we honored in ourselves and in our children at every phase. Creating moments that honor our self expression and creativity without judgment, allows for the beauty to linger and live on inside us as a happy and meaningful experience."
Oh this was utterly beautiful to read Mary Jean, thank you so much for sharing with me. I adore that idea of taking note of their interests in the summer to share with them when they are older - such a gift for them. And those words from your youngest... that really has got to be the best thing to hear ever!! I can imagine being a grandmother must bring a whole new set of perspectives and viewpoints, I can see it with my girls and their grandparents actually, that relationship is so special.
And what a gift to see every effort as holy... that really does speak to me and I will try and weave it into my days more. Thank you so much. xxx
Thank you for sharing all of this Lauren. I absolutely feel so much of what you say and the mum guilt cocktail mixed with a hint of perfectionism and a huge splash of cultural conditioning/expectation resonated a lot. There is a lot I feel guilt/worry about, but it is such a useful idea to focus on my own values (and also cutting myself some slack sometimes!). I sometimes find that when I am getting annoyed/stressed with my children, it is because of trying to uphold a value that is not my own.
Everyday I am floored by how hard a job this is and I wonder too how it is perceived to be easy/of little value?!
I think that if we are feeling it all so intensely it is because we care so deeply, and are intentional/mindful about our role which in turn must mean that we are not doing as badly as it can sometimes feel?! xx
Absolutely get that feeling of trying to uphold a value that is not my own. That rings so true to me. I agree also... I am floored daily by the intensity of it and how it is not truly recognised and honoured for that. Thank you so much for reading, and always being such a friend and seeing me for my efforts even when I can't see them myself. xxxx
I loved this raw post Lauren, and definitely resonate with going quickly to self blame when parenting. I used to feel it much more often; when the children were younger everything felt more chaotic, and time passing really does help. But not only that - I've done similar self work looking at my values and found it so healing to come back to my centre and my truth and living from there. Celebrating myself - I consciously make time to be with my children and not work, in little pockets like dinner time, making conversation instead of looking at my emails. I do a lot of the things you listed as 'being a bad mother' (like ignoring my kids to do my morning yoga!) but with practise they have become reframed for me from 'bad' to 'prioritising myself'.
Thank you so much for reading Jo, and your words give me hope and inspiration too! I love your celebration here, and I love that you have already reframed so many stories. Deep down I know they are not 'bad' things to do but that part of me that wants to do what I 'should' likes to override my true knowing a lot of the time. Working on that one!!! xxx
So much resonates! I raise my voice, they eat processed food, I've just started working with them next to me and they let me, all of it. A lovely piece and by sharing it shows what a loving honest real amazing Mother you are. I also actually love February as shorter and think of Spring 🌼
Thank you for reading lovely, we are doing such important work in both our creative lives and mothering lives. I hope we can be gentle with ourselves. Praying that the signs of Spring show up sooner rather than later, last weeks grey sent me over the edge!!! xxx
Yes to all of this Lauren! I know we have talked about this so much before and I feel it so much. That practice of writing down what our actual values are and what values we've been given in relation to motherhood sounds so helpful. I have done this before but not specifically to motherhood so much...
Thank you for the invitation to reflect on how we are good mothers. It is so hard to do isn't it?? I have the same 'who do you think you are?' voice. But here I go: I am a good mother because I care so much about doing what is right for River. He's in a nursery that means I have very short work days but he is so happy there. It's a sacrifice I've made for him. I am a good mother because I hold his feelings, I always comfort him when he's upset, I tell him I love him so many times a day and am so physically affectionate to him. I'm a good mother because I see him as inherently good and perfect and try so hard not to get mad or correct him when he makes a 'mistake' of any kind... I am a good mother because I'm trying so hard to raise him differently from how I was raised.
When I write that there is a part of me saying 'yeah! you are trying so hard!' and it's nice to notice that x
I love this celebration of yourself Ellie, it is so beautiful to witness such loving words, and gosh I can see it all and how hard you are working to be the most amazing Mother AND create a beautiful business as well. You are truly an inspiration to me. SO glad you can sit and observe this. The values piece I think is super helpful, it really shows just what is important at our cores. SO grateful for you reading and supporting as always. xxx