All the reasons I am not a 'good' Mother

On self compassion, motherhood truths and rebelling against the 'good mother' narrative...

Before we dive in to this week’s piece, I just wanted to remind you that this Thursday (13th February) we have our Seasonal Planning Ceremony in The Balm Membership. If you are craving time and space to devote to your heart and soul work then you can join us in the membership for £8 a month or £65 for a year by upgrading below, or using this link to get a month free trial.

Hello lovely one

How are you feeling today? I hope that this lands in your awareness lightly.

A combination of where I am at in my cycle (day 28 at the time of starting this and day 30 at the time of finishing!), dismal weather meaning we have been outside less than usual and a continuous stream of germs and bugs that seem to just merge all together for my littlest — which create the knock on impact of very poor sleep for me — I have to say that I have felt a little more fragile than usual this past week or so. Throw in being on the cusp of a full moon and it is fair to say I have been feeling A LOT!

January came to an end and with it brought the hope of February, but if I am honest I think this month is tougher. The ‘freshness’ of a new year and the glimmering lights of Christmas a long distant memory and in it’s place a month that just feels a bit ‘meh’. When I look out of my window there is still a beauty to the softness, but it also feels a little melancholy… an emotion that I can’t say I particularly enjoy.

Having said that, I am looking forward to half term next week which means no school runs to contend with and very few plans (I have learned that these week-long breaks are not for cramming activities into, and are indeed a very, very needed reset week).

How does February feel in your system? I am always curious to know how others experience different cycles and seasons.

Holding two hearts, as well as my own…

You can listen to this piece as an audio if you prefer…

All the reasons I am not a ‘good’ Mother.

The title of this essay came to me recently, as I sat with my littlest on the floor and she screamed like her lungs were going to burst. In that moment she needed me so deeply, and yet wouldn’t let me touch or comfort her. As I sat there, feeling like I had somehow ‘failed her’, my thoughts spiraled to all the things that I was doing ‘wrong’…

On this occasion, I met those words with a lot more love and kindness than I used to, but it did make me wonder if I am the only Mother who had received those thoughts? I never like to assume, but my inkling is that I am not…

I have learned that fierce self compassion is perhaps one of the most important tools in my kit as a Mother, however it isn’t an easy pattern to adopt — to go straight to a loving lens instead of self criticism — that feels very crunchy in my system!

I’ve noticed that whenever my little ones are going through a challenge… I automatically default to the thought process of ‘what have I done wrong?’

What mistake have I made? What have I missed? Which one of my many imperfect actions have made an imprint on them?

It’s instant. It’s a default setting and a pattern that definitely isn’t helpful in those moments, when my nervous system is already fragile.

Instead of considering the many developmental factors that are at play for their sponge-like rapidly growing brains, or the multitude of environmental influences around them they are absorbing, or just taking into account the natural ebbs and flows, moods and emotions that come with being human.

I self-blame.

The first place I go it… is… it must be my fault. I must have done something wrong. This has to be my mistake.

Every intense emotional meltdown my 2 year old has I find myself retracing my steps leading up to it and wonder what ‘better’ decisions I could have made for her to prevent it from happening? Every time my 5 year old hits my 2 year old, or throws something out of temper… I focus on all the ways I haven’t supported her emotionally enough that she would feel the need to behave like that in that moment.

My husband says I am overly hard on myself. I know I am, but I can’t quite seem to change this. And if I was sitting with another Mother in those moments the last thing I would do is judge or criticise her. Yet somehow it is so easy to place the blame on myself.

I wonder if previous generations thought the same… or if the influx of educational information — while on one hand is absolutely wonderful — could also be leading us to be taking on a lot more responsibility than is actually possible in this lifetime when it comes to the ways we raise our children? For someone, like me, who has a tendency to want to get things ‘right’… it is a huge amount of pressure to hold.

I guess you could describe it is a rather unpleasant cocktail of ‘mum guilt’ and ‘perfectionism’ poured into a murky glass of cultural expectations. Perhaps this habitual self talk is even keeping me safely in Mother martyrdom because, while that feels heavy and unpleasant to be wrapped up in, it is a familiar space and one that is quite (toxically) celebrated in our society as a whole.

There is a constant bombardment of stories that tell us what makes us ‘good’ and ‘bad’. This is prevalent in so many areas of life of course, not just Motherhood, but it certainly seems rife when it comes to parenting.

One of the most powerful exercises I have done since becoming a Mother was guided by the amazing Dr Sophie Brock and helped me to understand where I was operating from values that didn’t really belong to me, and not only adhering to them, but then criticising myself for not getting them ‘right’.

By getting really clear on my own personal values — both in overall life and in my parenting — I could then evaluate whether my regular actions were aligning with those as a priority rather than the expectations or ‘shoulds’ that come from others.

What I have noticed is that I tend to end up exhausting myself by trying to fit the expectations of others (often having to work ‘harder’ because the motivation — driven from my values — is not there because at my core these things don’t ‘matter’ as much to me) and then simultaneously neglecting the things that really, really do matter.

What makes someone a ‘good mother’?

A bit like when people ask ‘are they a ‘good’ baby? What does that even mean?

It is important to look at the beliefs we have taken on here. What are the thoughts and stories we have developed that shape our view of what a ‘good mother’ is?

Is it someone who has an immaculate home, cooks every meal from scratch, never raises their voice, plays for hours endlessly with their children, looks ‘put together’ on the school run with clean hair and clothes without porridge and snot smeared all over them?

Is it someone who has no needs of her own and doesn’t get impatient, or snappy when she doesn’t have time to shower or brush her hair? What do we individually believe is a ‘good mother’?

These ‘good mother’ characters will probably all look different to us depending on our own individual experiences, but I am sure there will be similarities and threads because ultimately we all live under a similar overculture that dictates what we ‘should’ be doing.

Are we measuring ourselves (our ‘goodness’) based on a completely fictitious character? And if we are… who benefits from this? I can almost guarantee that it isn’t us!

You may like to contemplate this yourself. Write down all of the things that you believe make a ‘good Mother’ and see which feel like they are true to you, and what might be a story from elsewhere? What might be your values and what might be someone else’s?When I did this exercise it mirrored to me the places that I was putting a lot of pressure on unnecessarily, and areas that genuinely were important to me.

It also made me almost laugh out loud (in a rather manic way) at the ridiculous amount of expectation that we place on ourselves. The list of ‘good mother’ traits just highlight how unrealistic this character really is.

Please note.. this is not an exercise to punish yourself or come into harsh self criticism, if you find yourself doing this then please pause, resource yourself lovingly, and return to it (or not) when you feel in a more steady place.

The evidence against me…

I started keeping a list of all the times I defaulted into feeling like I was not a ‘good mother’ because of certain actions I was doing. Not as a way to be hard on myself, but as a way to look at these more closely and begin to unravel the tight grip these stories have around my shoulders.

I would like to add here that these are projected stories of not being a ‘good mother’ — these are not in fact something that I would ‘judge’ another Mother on at all… and when I look at them here a lot of them are definitely not ‘bad’ they just come with a slight story of shame/guilt… which in itself is telling now isn’t it?

• I spend too much time on my phone and am not present enough for my children. The irony is that I am often doing this to fit in little things like online shopping orders, doing light admin (for the children) in order to then free up my time to BE with them… but of course the ‘list’ is endless so I never actually GET to the moment to really be with them - thus perpetuating the guilt/shame spiral!

• I have to regularly use my Loop Earplugs when my littlest is having a meltdown because otherwise it can push me into total disregulation myself, which isn’t helpful for either of us.

• I often (not always — but several times a week) feed my children processed foods (waffles in the toaster, baked beans from a tin, sausages, fish fingers… you know the kind — it is easy and they eat it!)

• It is not uncommon for me to be on my laptop writing, doing admin, working with clients alongside my children (exactly what I am doing as I write this line right here!). If they are playing nicely on their own I will seize the opportunity to squeeze in work that I want to do instead of actively engaging with them.

• I feel so much overwhelm around the daily acts of Mothering, often done on my own, that I sometimes feel like it is going to suffocate me. I wonder regularly how other Mothers ‘do it’ and constantly feel like I am the only one that finds it THIS hard.

• I get consumed with anger and rage at times. Like pillow hitting, stomping, roaring, fire crawling up my insides kind of rage. I never knew ‘rage’ until I met myself in Motherhood.

• Sometimes my skin crawls when my children touch me, or get in my face, or climbs on me, or accidently bash into me… because I am so unbelievably touched out and I really need my own personal space (more so than most it seems!)

• I really struggle when they are sick (vomit). I have a deeply, deeply engrained phobia which triggers an unbelievably irrational panic in my body with anything to do with vomit. This means when they are unwell there is a part of me that feels genuine fear to be around them and I cannot comfort them in the way that I would like.

• Almost daily I will ignore then in favour of doing a yoga or movement practice just for me. By ignore I mean put on a screen or set them up with something to do, or just let them run riot around the house in order for me to get a few moments of precious movement because I need it so badly.

• I raise my voice. Often. Way more often than I would like.

• I mostly feel more fulfilled by my creative work than I do by the day to day Mothering. I feel more valued by my work and my wonderful clients than I do my own children, and my nervous system feels way more at ease when I am working.

• I think sometimes my expectations of the girls is too high. As someone who has always been highly critical of myself and has high standards, it is hard not to place that on my children, even though I truly know they are absolutely perfect as they are.

When I started to explore my ‘list’ of stories that make me default into the ‘I am not a good mother’ narrative, I realised there were so many little sneaky things that crept in at multiple times a day that were subtly (but effectively) making me feel shit about myself.

Making me compare. Making me feel ‘bad’. Making me feel like I am failing them.

And while I don’t see myself as a ‘bad’ Mother, if someone asked me if I was a ‘good Mother’ I would struggle to say yes.

Working and playing alongside eachother

Focusing on the positive

I have written along this thread before, highlighting the ways I fall down in Motherhood because it certainly doesn’t seem the ‘right’ thing to do to showcase all the things I do that make me a ‘wonderful’ Mother… and this in itself is part of the problem I think.

Mothering, by it’s nature, often feels like a pretty thankless task on the micro level… the amount of ‘work’ that goes into every single day is monumental and certainly in these early years, there aren’t a huge amount of ‘thank yous’ given out!

However, despite all of the above ‘evidence’ that I am not a ‘good Mother’ I actually think I am doing OK. In fact… in conversation with my eldest the other day I said that I wasn’t perfect, and she turned around and said ‘you are perfect Mummy!’ (that wasn’t long after she had told me that she wanted to go and live in another house because I wouldn’t let her do something I have to add!!)

Who wants to be good anyway?

The word good is never something I have consciously aspired to, just like ‘good girl’ is definitely not something on my radar and when someones says it about my children I want to scream. BUT the stories from others seep into our awareness in a sneaky way and somehow, for many of us, it still feels safer to adhere to that checklist of what makes us a worthy and respectable human.

There are actually many other words I would much rather be known as. Loving, Inspiring, Supportive, Soft, Magical, Creative, Trustworthy, Authentic, to name but a few… what would you add to this list?

As I mentioned earlier — self compassion has become my absolute essential ‘tool’ as a Mother. Here are four questions that I lean towards when I need to find my way back to a loving lens…

Is this kind?

How would I speak to my children in this instance?

Which part of me is feeling this the most? And what does that part of me need right now?

If I was speaking to a dear friend, what would I say to them right now?

So… what about listing out something that gives us evidence that we are ‘good mothers’? Let’s break the patterns and celebrate all that we are instead of all that we are not… can you comment below or reply with something you feel proud of?

I will go first…

I show my daughters what it means to live a life of ritual and devotion to beauty, nature and the sacred. We regularly take walks to the lake together, take moments to notice a beautiful sky, or a special view, eat (mostly homemade) food and snacks, we sit together in the mornings at weekends and share ceremonial cacao and cards and candlelight. While these things might not last like this forever, and often aren’t as serene as they might sound, they feel like everything to me and they align very much with my values.

And yes… writing that was surprisingly hard, my inner ‘who does she think she is?’ voice was strong, but I think it is time that we start to build up the stories of our ‘goodness’ more than we focus on all that we are falling down on.

I would love to hear from you if any of this piece resonates on any level.

Until next time

With so much love and gratitude

Lauren

xxx

Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren. A Mother of two daughters, Writer, Women’s Circle Facilitator, Sacred Business Mentor & Guide, Soul Branding & Website Creator and multi-dimensional human being. I walk with, and hold space for, others who are treading the tender path of their heart and soul work. You can find out more about this space and what to expect here. If you wish to be held in a deeper way do consider joining The Balm membership for restorative practices, sacred heart work offerings and more…

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