Do not ask me to tell you who I am...

For I am more than words...

Hello Dear Heart,

How is your energy today? How nourished do you feel?

For the past few months I have had the absolute privelege of attending a practitioner training that is unlike anything I have ever been part of before. Held and nurtured by the exquisite and mystical being that is Katie Abbott, Pause Place has presence, spaciousness and love centered at the very core — three things that my soul longs for.

Over the years I have watched with curiosity (and envy at times) as this particular training has unfolded, always with a magnetic pull to be there and yet also not knowing what it really ‘is’.

When dates for the 2024 container were released I knew with certainty that it was my time, it was a felt sense deep in my heart, and yet there was still such mystery. When people asked me what this training ‘entailed’ I couldn’t answer them. I simply trusted that it would be what I needed…

And so, in blind faith, I have made the pilgramage to London for 6 days in total across several weekends from September until now. The travel in itself felt like some kind of underworld initiation for me as I have a deeply engrained fear of busy tubes and being on the underground. Almost every part of my being wanted to stay at home in the safety of my reliable rhythms, and yet… there was this persistent, subtle energy within that would not let me do that.

I knew. I knew with my whole heart that I had to be there. I had to make the effort to stretch my wings and BE with the humans that had chosen to gather at this specific time, in this specific place. Not a single part of me regrets this choice — although it felt excruciating at times to place myself in the arms of expansion — the experience has moved me beyond measure and brought about inner shifts that are both subtle and vast.

A segment of the mandala that we created, in silence, as a group.

On Sunday this training came to completion. I haven’t had the words to describe it and write about it until now, and to be honest I am still not sure that the words will really encapsulate the experience, but I hope that you will be able to feel the quality of the transmission through my expression here.

A portal of presence

Each time we stepped into the portal that was Pause Place, time became irrelevant. A vortex of mystery unfolded, held together by threads of poetry, silence, rest, contemplation, (he)artistry, co-creation, a fair amount of discomfort and yet also an unwavering sense of safety.

“Aliveness can only come through presence, because we can only be all the way alive when we are dancing with what IS, not what was or what may be. In presence I find my life-force. In presence I am awake.

It is in this breath. This heart beat. This ache. This flutter of my eyelids. This itch. This tremble. It is only now that I can be alive.”

Words from my journal from this weekend… on the topic of aliveness.

Each weekend I was met by similar physical sensations in my body — things that always surface for me when I am meeting my edges. A bubble of anticipation in my gut. A headache at least once every weekend. Exhaustion and yet also a fizzing kind of excited energy. Nauseousness at times. Ravenous appetite and then none at all. Confusion. Doubt and yet also certainty. And then… the feeling of relief and yet also grief, when our container came to an end.

Expanding into our wholeness is a messy process, it is beautifully chaotic and our physical beings often reflect back to us a literal shift in self through uncomfortable sensations. I used to shy away from experiences like this because of the fear of how my physical body would react, but now I understand that this is merely a reunion of the many versions of my self.

On the final day (this past Sunday), in our last big process we did together, Katie asked us to do something that nobody wanted to do. She invited us to stand in front of our group and introduce ourselves. A seemingly simple request and yet one that left each of us squirming.

Before she even looked at me I knew she was going to ask me to go first.

Our eyes met, I rose from the comfort of my blanket and meditation chair and made my way up to the empty space that had been created at the front of the room.

Urgh.

That was the first sound I made as I shook my hands and feet out, and moved my body to ease the discomfort and ground myself. I HATE being asked to introduce myself.

‘I don’t know who I am, but I know myself better than I knew myself yesterday’… was where I began.

What followed was a spiraling torrent of words that sometimes made no ‘sense’ at all, and I was given the space — in front of the room and with volume to my voice — to explore just how much I hate being asked that question.

I don’t know ‘who I am’… and I am not sure I really want to because the person I am is beyond words and tidy boxes.

Mother. Writer. Artist… (heARTIST) words that I do feel comfortable claiming. But beyond that… what makes me who I am? Is it the labels I have been given by the world? Is it the qualifications that I have ticked off? Is it the chosen work that I do in this world? Is it the relationships that I have with others? Do they tell you who I am?

No.

Because I am a living breathing expression of the divine. A creation that is flesh and blood, bone and spirit, soul and heart. How can that be labelled?

The stage at which I unravelled my self

Today I am writing, I am creating for clients, I am Mothering, I am holding space at home, I am wiping bums and I am cooking meals, I am organising Christmas gifts… but these do not define me. These are things that I DO but they do not tell you who I AM.

Tomorrow I will be a totally new and different human to the one I am today. Imagine how it would be to simply stand in front of a person and see them as a bare naked soul without needing to place them in a labelled box. What might we notice about each other if we removed this need to ‘know’?

A felt expression

I want to be breathed in and felt.

I want my essence to be truly witnessed instead of placed in a shape that meets a certain criteria.

I thought it was only me that struggled to ‘introduce’ themselves, but every single person in the room I was in danced with a similar thread, in that they were a constantly unravelling tapestry of so much more than words or phrases.

Just pure humanity.

The last thing I said as I shared — and I felt my chest brighten and my energy grow taller the longer I stood there — was that I felt like the mandala that lay in front of me. A flame at the centre and then a unique display of patterns that spun out in different ways from there.

I am Beautiful Chaos.

The beautiful chaos left behind during a lunch break in the wonderful creative studio where we gathered.

Processing through poetry

Listen if you can, and read below…

Do not ask me who I am

for I am more than words.

I am night sky

and moonlight

falling leaves

and precious seedlings

water ripples

and earth underfoot

tattered pages

of a well-read book

I care

I love

I make

I move.

I dance

I cry

I howl

I soothe.

I am bigger than big

and yet

oh so small

specks of stardust

vast waterfalls.

All of life reflects in me

mirroring what I cannot see

I beg of you to look beyond

And ask me not

of who I am

Feel me

Breathe me

Drink me in

And please forgive

when I cannot state

in clearest language

that is well shaped

For all I am

is truth and feeling

beautiful chaos

a human being

Thank you, always, for reading and receiving my words. I would love to hear how this lands for you in the comments or via an email reply.

How do you feel when people ask you to introduce yourself? What do you say when asked who ‘you are’?

Also… if you are craving deep restoration and replenishment, The Ripples Of You Yoga Nidra will be available to all for another week. After that it will be tucked behind the paywall for my paying supporters. You can always upgrade at any time if you feel called.

The Ripples of You: A Yoga Nidra Practice

Until next time

With love

Lauren

xxx

Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren. A Mother of two daughters, Writer, Women’s Circle Facilitator, Sacred Business Mentor & Guide, Soul Branding & Website Creator and multi-dimensional human being. I walk with, and hold space for, others who are treading the tender path of their heart and soul work. You can find out more about this space and what to expect here. Please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy this, and you do have the means, I would be so grateful if you chose to support my creations for £5 a month…

If you enjoyed this piece and wish to explore my other spaces please use the links below to explore…

Motherhood Essays
Self-Tending Practices
The Unravelling Podcast
Sacred Living
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