This post resonated so deeply. Thank you. I have a 2 and 5 year old as well. In the last 6 months I have begun to regularly dance, row, swim, quilt, knit, meditate. Of course only in short bursts and intermittently depending on the week, but the reclaiming of self has made me feel whole again. The strange part for me is feeling this split: that as I move more into my reclamation of self I will be "missing out" on the finite years of their early childhood. And yet, I know this nourishment of the activities that bring me wholeness, will make me a better and more well rounded mother.
Then there is the looming pressure of the culturally pervasive motherhood perfection complex asking "will you have a 3rd"? It can make it so hard to feel clarity on whether we feel complete in our early motherhood journey, or must we always want more? The thought of having a 3rd feels terrifying on so many levels, and yet I feel like this question looms daily. It seems like yet another cultural failure to instill this pressure and not provide a container to help shepherd women from their early matrescence into their next stage of motherhood and reclamation of self.
Oooooh this is such a juicy comment Aria... so much to say on this!! I agree with that split self too... it is such a challenge because I have to really pull myself away to do these things that connect me with self... and I could very easily not do them... but then when I do I realise how much I needed them and how much more able to hold the emotions and challenges of motherhood when I do. But also... I often find it really hard to return back to the mundaneness after some time to myself because I get that glimmer of 'me' and it can be hard to feel that shatter again. It is so multi-layered isn't it?
And on the third child... interestingly I have absolutely zero pressure on this and will 100% be not having a third child. I did really feel that about the second though and I find it so interesting how the cultural narratives play out in our expectations. I agree... there is such a failure from society to truly hold mothers through this and it then falls on the shoulders of already depleted Mothers to try and do this for others, or seek out the support they need which can be exhausting in itself. This is why I feel that women's circles are so incredibly essential to meet with women at all seasons and stages of life.
I could talk on these topics for hours. But thank you so much for your feedback and comment here, I truly appreciate it. xxx
I can relate to this! We are older parents (37 and 40) and have a 2 1/2 year old. We’re on the fence about having a second because the first has been so difficult and put a lot of strain on our relationship (do I really want to go back to sleepless nights??) but there is that expectation of providing a sibling or just “powering through” and having your children back to back plus the reality of aging. Sigh. The sad part of it is that it would more likely be a yes to a second child if mothering in this society wasn’t so isolating and invisible.
Such valid points Mariah. It is a huge transition that as you know has been quite challenging for me, not because I don't want to Mother two little ones, but because the society structure is not there to hold us through it. xxx
I’ve been hanging out for my partner to finish work for Christmas so I can indulge in some of your words, it’s the first long break he’s had since our daughter arrived & 2 days in I can feel how much my NS has been desperately needing this level of rest & rejuvenation 🤍
I’m 8 months postpartum with our second & I feel like we’ve just come out of a 3 month haze of sleep deprivation which had me feeling beyond numb on so many days I’ve lost count. Days I just felt too numb & too exhausted to play with my eldest, riddled with guilt. So angry & frustrated at this system we have all found ourselves in, a system I believe is so afraid of the power of the Mother it is hell bent on suppressing & belittling us all. But in my heart when I look into the eyes of my children I know we will rise, we will rise together, we are rising once more 🌹🔥
Thank you for your heartfelt shares as always Lauren, the part about moisturising it’s beautiful & deeply symbolic. I’ve been keeping a self care diary where I write at least 3 self care things in it I do a day, on the days I’m by myself with children it’s a lifeline. I’ve been taking myself to the sauna, I had my eyebrows done yesterday & I rubbed my body with oil all over today. These small acts of kindness have been so necessary since going from one to two souls in our family, if anything I’ve needed to step away more this time round & earlier on than with our son ✨✨ Two years was pivotal for me last time too, I look up reformer Pilates around that time which I love! I used to be a gym junkie before our babies but that seems like a lifetime ago now. Sending love always Rach xxx
Thank you so much Rachel, this is such a beautiful comment and full of so much rawness. I am so glad you are getting that well needed nervous system soothing... I think the weight of solo responsibility is incredibly taxing on our NS and really underappreciated. When there are more than one set of ears and eyes on the look out it really does bring a greater sense of ease and peace to parenting.
I love the idea of a self care diary, I think focusing on the little things makes it feel more do-able... I also used a beautiful body oil today and it felt so nourishing. I love reformer pilates too... haven't done it since before S was born though. The strength work for me has been pivotal. Lots of love and gratitude to you. xxx
Oh this was true inspiration to actually moisturise this morning! My youngest is a bit ahead of yours but it’s seems I’ve still not quite made it to that point where I can do it without thinking! But as the kids get older there have certainly been parts of myself I have gotten back . It’s such a journey this parenting business. 💛
I am so glad you got that time today even if you don't have it consistently... yet!! So many milestones and transitional moments, it really is a journey! Thank you for reading and commenting. xx
Our little one is almost 2 1/2 and I definitely feel a lot of relief and joy to be out of the early stages of motherhood. I’ve learned recently that flamingo mamas lose their pink when they are first tending to their newborns and slowly get it back as the baby flamingos gain more independence. I think that’s true of us, too. I’m glad you’re getting some of your pink back! Thank you for sharing honestly and vulnerably with us. 💗
Ahhhh yes I remember hearing that story and feeling total resonance with it! I definitely still feel a little on the grey side but the pink is definitely blossoming!!! Thank you so much for reading and being here Mariah. xxx
I wept reading this post. It might be because my second born (and last) turned two this past Monday. Or it might have been the part about postpartum anxiety and depression after the birth of your first child- same here. Or it could have been the part where you’re slowly coming back to yourself - the pieces you forgot, changed forever, or exploring the new, softer pieces of you. Thank you for the beautiful words.
Oh Cheyanne, I feel that emotion I really do. Thank you for reading and sharing how this piece touched you, there are so many layers and I hope that you are taking time to integrate your two years as well. It is such a pivotal time... and while I don't think motherhood is ever without challenge, somehow when you have landed into your new sense of self a bit more it seems a little more 'do-able'!! I am so grateful for you witnessing me here. xxx
This is so beautiful L, and how wonderful to realise and list these pretty major shifts!! Matrescence feels like such a long and evolving process even as I approach M’s 3rd birthday.
Moisturiser is a big one, symbolic of so much, giving yourself the time/care (I am inconsistently getting there with it!). The strength training and tattoo also huge! And the full day/evening date, wow.
Perhaps we are edging out of winterspring this time?! I feel a few shifts in terms of going to regular Pilates class, my first nights away on the weekend yoga retreat I went on, my tattoo (and yes to more!) and then there is still so much that tethers me. I am expecting a shift again when M goes to nursery for 5 short mornings from January xx
Yes I don't think it is ever really a finished and closed chapter because of course every phase brings new initiations, but the first few years definitely have an intensity like no other. I think you are right though, moisturiser and tending to the body is a really symbolic gesture! I do feel that tentative winterspring emergence but then I think I have been saying that for a while so who knows!!! 5 whole mornings will be a total shift... I can't even imagine!!! Thank you for your love and support and reading this, the last two years wouldn't have been the same without our messages and connection. xxx
That part about not even having the aliveness to fight for your needs, oh shiiiiit yes I remember that, I even see traces of it 3.5 years later. Moisturiser is so symbolic isn’t it, of the honouring our bodies that feels so necessary and is somehow a luxury, it can feel so unfair.
And the pathologising of mothers fuck so true it’s frightening and sad how the natural needs and struggles are not leaned into by medical professionals so we feel there’s something wrong with us because it’s dismissed with a diagnosis masquerading as maternal care. So much for us all to learn in this.
Loved this exploration of your tenderness in this whole post.
PS I was a makeup artist for 15 years, gave it up when pregnant (and Covid!)
Thank you Sarina, so grateful for your thoughts here… I feel we could probably talk a lot about it!!! That sounds so amazing to have been a makeup artist… I imagine it is also super intense work. I think I really just want to study it more to do on myself more than others, but I do adore it. Would you ever go back to it? xxx
Incredible words. Thank you for sharing ♥️♥️ Resonate a lot!! I definitely have found 6 months + a lot harder than fourth trimester. Accumulative sleep deprivation and only wanting mama as she’s got older. But similarly I’m slowly starting to see little shifts and glimpses of doing more than essential self care. So interesting about make up - I wear it probably once a month, mainly because the thought of taking it off seems like a step too far to fit in before bed haha! Xxx
Thank you for reading lovely, and I thought you might relate!! That is a big factor in me deciding to put on mascara or not… ha… because removing it is an effort. And on Saturday night I definitely slept in a full face of makeup and woke up feeling super crusty!! Ha!!! xxx
Lauren, I relate so much to this as you know! I think that act of moisturising, going for a run etc that is such a great moment. The point where you can start to put yourself first and regularly too. It’s a magical point where the youngest is two! I remember it well, but the biggest game changer for me has been full time childcare and school which mean I have a regularity to my time and it’s mine—all mine!
That still feels a way off for me… 2027 when V will go to school… but she is due to begin a couple of mornings at pre school in January so baby steps. I can’t imagine what it will feel like to have five days for me!!!!!
This post resonated so deeply. Thank you. I have a 2 and 5 year old as well. In the last 6 months I have begun to regularly dance, row, swim, quilt, knit, meditate. Of course only in short bursts and intermittently depending on the week, but the reclaiming of self has made me feel whole again. The strange part for me is feeling this split: that as I move more into my reclamation of self I will be "missing out" on the finite years of their early childhood. And yet, I know this nourishment of the activities that bring me wholeness, will make me a better and more well rounded mother.
Then there is the looming pressure of the culturally pervasive motherhood perfection complex asking "will you have a 3rd"? It can make it so hard to feel clarity on whether we feel complete in our early motherhood journey, or must we always want more? The thought of having a 3rd feels terrifying on so many levels, and yet I feel like this question looms daily. It seems like yet another cultural failure to instill this pressure and not provide a container to help shepherd women from their early matrescence into their next stage of motherhood and reclamation of self.
Oooooh this is such a juicy comment Aria... so much to say on this!! I agree with that split self too... it is such a challenge because I have to really pull myself away to do these things that connect me with self... and I could very easily not do them... but then when I do I realise how much I needed them and how much more able to hold the emotions and challenges of motherhood when I do. But also... I often find it really hard to return back to the mundaneness after some time to myself because I get that glimmer of 'me' and it can be hard to feel that shatter again. It is so multi-layered isn't it?
And on the third child... interestingly I have absolutely zero pressure on this and will 100% be not having a third child. I did really feel that about the second though and I find it so interesting how the cultural narratives play out in our expectations. I agree... there is such a failure from society to truly hold mothers through this and it then falls on the shoulders of already depleted Mothers to try and do this for others, or seek out the support they need which can be exhausting in itself. This is why I feel that women's circles are so incredibly essential to meet with women at all seasons and stages of life.
I could talk on these topics for hours. But thank you so much for your feedback and comment here, I truly appreciate it. xxx
I can relate to this! We are older parents (37 and 40) and have a 2 1/2 year old. We’re on the fence about having a second because the first has been so difficult and put a lot of strain on our relationship (do I really want to go back to sleepless nights??) but there is that expectation of providing a sibling or just “powering through” and having your children back to back plus the reality of aging. Sigh. The sad part of it is that it would more likely be a yes to a second child if mothering in this society wasn’t so isolating and invisible.
Such valid points Mariah. It is a huge transition that as you know has been quite challenging for me, not because I don't want to Mother two little ones, but because the society structure is not there to hold us through it. xxx
I’ve been hanging out for my partner to finish work for Christmas so I can indulge in some of your words, it’s the first long break he’s had since our daughter arrived & 2 days in I can feel how much my NS has been desperately needing this level of rest & rejuvenation 🤍
I’m 8 months postpartum with our second & I feel like we’ve just come out of a 3 month haze of sleep deprivation which had me feeling beyond numb on so many days I’ve lost count. Days I just felt too numb & too exhausted to play with my eldest, riddled with guilt. So angry & frustrated at this system we have all found ourselves in, a system I believe is so afraid of the power of the Mother it is hell bent on suppressing & belittling us all. But in my heart when I look into the eyes of my children I know we will rise, we will rise together, we are rising once more 🌹🔥
Thank you for your heartfelt shares as always Lauren, the part about moisturising it’s beautiful & deeply symbolic. I’ve been keeping a self care diary where I write at least 3 self care things in it I do a day, on the days I’m by myself with children it’s a lifeline. I’ve been taking myself to the sauna, I had my eyebrows done yesterday & I rubbed my body with oil all over today. These small acts of kindness have been so necessary since going from one to two souls in our family, if anything I’ve needed to step away more this time round & earlier on than with our son ✨✨ Two years was pivotal for me last time too, I look up reformer Pilates around that time which I love! I used to be a gym junkie before our babies but that seems like a lifetime ago now. Sending love always Rach xxx
Thank you so much Rachel, this is such a beautiful comment and full of so much rawness. I am so glad you are getting that well needed nervous system soothing... I think the weight of solo responsibility is incredibly taxing on our NS and really underappreciated. When there are more than one set of ears and eyes on the look out it really does bring a greater sense of ease and peace to parenting.
I love the idea of a self care diary, I think focusing on the little things makes it feel more do-able... I also used a beautiful body oil today and it felt so nourishing. I love reformer pilates too... haven't done it since before S was born though. The strength work for me has been pivotal. Lots of love and gratitude to you. xxx
Oh this was true inspiration to actually moisturise this morning! My youngest is a bit ahead of yours but it’s seems I’ve still not quite made it to that point where I can do it without thinking! But as the kids get older there have certainly been parts of myself I have gotten back . It’s such a journey this parenting business. 💛
I am so glad you got that time today even if you don't have it consistently... yet!! So many milestones and transitional moments, it really is a journey! Thank you for reading and commenting. xx
What a beautiful piece on motherhood and the seasons we go through and feeling deeply into them....enough to notice when it shifts....
Thank you Chaya, so appreciate you reading and sharing your words here. xxx
Our little one is almost 2 1/2 and I definitely feel a lot of relief and joy to be out of the early stages of motherhood. I’ve learned recently that flamingo mamas lose their pink when they are first tending to their newborns and slowly get it back as the baby flamingos gain more independence. I think that’s true of us, too. I’m glad you’re getting some of your pink back! Thank you for sharing honestly and vulnerably with us. 💗
Ahhhh yes I remember hearing that story and feeling total resonance with it! I definitely still feel a little on the grey side but the pink is definitely blossoming!!! Thank you so much for reading and being here Mariah. xxx
I wept reading this post. It might be because my second born (and last) turned two this past Monday. Or it might have been the part about postpartum anxiety and depression after the birth of your first child- same here. Or it could have been the part where you’re slowly coming back to yourself - the pieces you forgot, changed forever, or exploring the new, softer pieces of you. Thank you for the beautiful words.
Oh Cheyanne, I feel that emotion I really do. Thank you for reading and sharing how this piece touched you, there are so many layers and I hope that you are taking time to integrate your two years as well. It is such a pivotal time... and while I don't think motherhood is ever without challenge, somehow when you have landed into your new sense of self a bit more it seems a little more 'do-able'!! I am so grateful for you witnessing me here. xxx
This is so beautiful L, and how wonderful to realise and list these pretty major shifts!! Matrescence feels like such a long and evolving process even as I approach M’s 3rd birthday.
Moisturiser is a big one, symbolic of so much, giving yourself the time/care (I am inconsistently getting there with it!). The strength training and tattoo also huge! And the full day/evening date, wow.
Perhaps we are edging out of winterspring this time?! I feel a few shifts in terms of going to regular Pilates class, my first nights away on the weekend yoga retreat I went on, my tattoo (and yes to more!) and then there is still so much that tethers me. I am expecting a shift again when M goes to nursery for 5 short mornings from January xx
Yes I don't think it is ever really a finished and closed chapter because of course every phase brings new initiations, but the first few years definitely have an intensity like no other. I think you are right though, moisturiser and tending to the body is a really symbolic gesture! I do feel that tentative winterspring emergence but then I think I have been saying that for a while so who knows!!! 5 whole mornings will be a total shift... I can't even imagine!!! Thank you for your love and support and reading this, the last two years wouldn't have been the same without our messages and connection. xxx
That part about not even having the aliveness to fight for your needs, oh shiiiiit yes I remember that, I even see traces of it 3.5 years later. Moisturiser is so symbolic isn’t it, of the honouring our bodies that feels so necessary and is somehow a luxury, it can feel so unfair.
And the pathologising of mothers fuck so true it’s frightening and sad how the natural needs and struggles are not leaned into by medical professionals so we feel there’s something wrong with us because it’s dismissed with a diagnosis masquerading as maternal care. So much for us all to learn in this.
Loved this exploration of your tenderness in this whole post.
PS I was a makeup artist for 15 years, gave it up when pregnant (and Covid!)
Thank you Sarina, so grateful for your thoughts here… I feel we could probably talk a lot about it!!! That sounds so amazing to have been a makeup artist… I imagine it is also super intense work. I think I really just want to study it more to do on myself more than others, but I do adore it. Would you ever go back to it? xxx
No never!! It was the version of me who was a frustrated artist while being a makeup artist. It was great in many ways, but just not ME! X
Incredible words. Thank you for sharing ♥️♥️ Resonate a lot!! I definitely have found 6 months + a lot harder than fourth trimester. Accumulative sleep deprivation and only wanting mama as she’s got older. But similarly I’m slowly starting to see little shifts and glimpses of doing more than essential self care. So interesting about make up - I wear it probably once a month, mainly because the thought of taking it off seems like a step too far to fit in before bed haha! Xxx
Thank you for reading lovely, and I thought you might relate!! That is a big factor in me deciding to put on mascara or not… ha… because removing it is an effort. And on Saturday night I definitely slept in a full face of makeup and woke up feeling super crusty!! Ha!!! xxx
Lauren, I relate so much to this as you know! I think that act of moisturising, going for a run etc that is such a great moment. The point where you can start to put yourself first and regularly too. It’s a magical point where the youngest is two! I remember it well, but the biggest game changer for me has been full time childcare and school which mean I have a regularity to my time and it’s mine—all mine!
That still feels a way off for me… 2027 when V will go to school… but she is due to begin a couple of mornings at pre school in January so baby steps. I can’t imagine what it will feel like to have five days for me!!!!!