Great read - this made me feel very seen and really captures my daily train of thought. So no you are not the only one wondering all of this, definitely not, something always needs to be adjusted and we do so as we adjust to life! It’s just quite tiring…
I often feel so unreconciled with this motherhood - creativity thing.
There IS a tug both ways and both cannot be given our full attention at the same time, and like you, I need whole meals not scraps.
Knowing this about myself is mostly why I am not having a second child, even though I’ve tried to push these feelings away for the sake of ‘the future’, the first few years took such a toll on me, especially since my partner and I have all our family overseas, that I cannot bear the idea of doing it again, being pulled away from my creativity again so abruptly and for so long, and yet I’m still not sure I can bear the idea of my daughter not having a sibling that she so desires.
Your piece has made me feel more validated in ways I didn’t quite know I needed 💜
Oh gosh yes that is such a big decision and I really grappled with it myself before we decided to have a second little one. It was a reason we did it in the timeline that I did because any longer I would have struggled to 'go back' to the early years and lose my creative time and space for even longer. That word 'unreconciled' is definitely one I feel too... there really is never a 'right' answer, or a total feeling of peace and ease.
I really appreciate your comment and your input in this conversation, and I am so grateful to be surrounded by others who 'get it'... I don't think I could admit this out loud on any other platform than here because it feels like a space that really honours the creatives/Mothers in us. xxx
Ohhhh. Tears. 🥺 I've been really struggling with this too. Definitely not ok. Grieving the creative life I've given up.. and simultaneously longing for more space while wanting to hold the preciousness of each moment with my girl. 80% a slog and 20% joy on a good day. That’s real. The moments of joy are sacred, but they often come after moments (or hours) of repetitive, mind numbing tasks, exhaustion, frustration, resentment and longing for something that feels like you. I get it, I really do.
I feel you so deeply, I am sorry that you are in that space too. It is such an internal conflict in so many ways, and I wish it wasn't so. I know that things will shift of course, but it is very intense in these early years for sure. Thank you for your comment and support. xxx
Hi Lauren, I don't have the time to respond fully right now... but I just wanted to say this: Thank you for being so open, honest and brave! 🥰 Sharing your TRUE feelings as a mother is such a powerful thing to do - your words will help so many other mothers feel seen, understood and supported 👍❤️👏xx
Thank you for taking the time when I know you don't have much space - I truly appreciate it and it feels so comforting to know that so many of us are feeling this... not that it makes it OK but it makes it feel less lonely. xxx
Being an artist and being a mother are, for me, completely at odds... I can't do both well, or as well as I would like to. After a tough day over here it helped to read about your experience and not feel as alone, as trapped. Thank you.
Ahhh Diana, hugs to you - I have definitely had those days. Some days it feels like I have managed to balance it better, and others not at all and I feel - like you mention - at odds and like I am doing everything ineffectively!!! Wishing you a gentler day ahead and I am so grateful that these words reached you when you needed them. xxx
Ah dearest L, I relate so deeply to every single one of your thoughts. It’s like you verbalised everything that is tied up in my mind! As you know I am finding the dance of mothering/creativity/career a challenge at the moment with everything feeling so squeezed. And yes, I so often feel so full that I am going to spill over. It’s not an inherently ‘bad’ feeling and there is so much to be celebrated but it is all a lot to manage (or maybe that’s impossible). And also yes to the needing space but the simultaneous ache when not with children. And the adventures and not wanting to leave home. And wondering how others do it and why I find it such an intense challenge. Here with you and all of it, it is a lot, the existence of multiple beings in one body/mind xx
Thank you for the solidarity my love, I am so grateful that you are by my side in this season. It brings me a lot of comfort and reassurance to be navigating it all with others. So grateful for you always. xxx
Lauren, your words are so honest, raw and needed. You put into words the thoughts that go around in my head but that I can't quite articulate, thank you for providing that clarity and wisdom. All of this post is so relatable and this part especially:
"...only when I am thriving do the rest of my family truly thrive."
This is so true. When we feel like we've had that time to do whatever it is that refuels us, lights us up then that's when we can show up as who we really want to be in all roles in our lives. And the part about knowing that you'll yearn for these moments of your kids being young, when they are older, but at the same time not being able to enjoy it because you feel so depleted, that. I often feel like this when I look back at when my eldest two were little, they are now 10 and 7. I find it especially hard to remember much about when my 7yo was a baby and until he was 2 maybe, because motherhood was just so all consuming. It's only with a big age gap that I've been able to soak in my time with my 2yo now.
Thank you Jenna, I guess I was expressing these words for many of us somehow!! I really feel that grief over what I will have missed because of the depletion… really gets to me. I don’t think we can really get a grasp on just how much it takes out of us until we are beyond that phase can we? It’s also something only we can do for ourselves because nobody is going to do it for us!! Which hurts but also I guess is an opportunity to claim some of our power back. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience xxx
I relate to this so much. The pull in different directions. The feeling that something needs to change but not knowing what or how it's possible. I have nothing helpful to say except that you're not alone! xx
Thank you lovely, I am sad that this is the reality, but also glad that I am not alone in the frustrations. I can't help but be consumed by how to 'fix' it at times, it takes up a lot of energy!!! xxx
That feeling of 'should' is a sneaky one, isn't it? It's so easy to fall into the trap of believing we should have everything under control, especially as mothers. But life is messy, and motherhood is even messier. Your willingness to be vulnerable and admit that you don't have all the answers is a powerful reminder that it's okay to be in the messy middle. We're all just doing our best, and that's enough. A lovely essay. 🩵
That balance and guilt and frustration and burnout are some of the hardest things about being a parent, especially if you have multiple drives outside of the "mother" title. I've spent 2025 so far striving for the balance between "mom" and my new position at my 40 hour corporate job. I'm getting close to that magical balance, but it's at the expense of my writing. I haven't published on my Substack since I got the new role and every free creative moment I have I spend on my extremely-slow-going WIP. Then I have that same tear you wrote so beautifully between self-sacrifice for your children and self-preservation for your personal identity. You captured that struggle wonderfully with the perfect meandering format that emulates the internal dialogue moms battle daily.
Thank you so much for this comment Heather, It does seem that there is always a 'cost' and then I think is this more about the fact we have been 'told' to strive for so much that whatever we do is never quite 'enough'... but if we are starved of something that truly nourishes us then that generally I find gets louder and louder eventually!! I really appreciate your words here, and it is very inspiring that you are even getting close to that magical 'balance'... shows that it is possible!!!! xxx
Thank for you writing this piece, my heart ached reading it because you beautifully put into words so much of what I feel on a regular basis about motherhood. There is no one way, only your way. And I find myself coming back to one of your wonderings, I think this season my heart has to feel stretched so thin.
Thanks for sharing Lauren because you are so not alone! We are a lot to be there with you and finding it hard.
Personally, I’m still struggling to find a way to balance or reconcile these different needs. I know I’m already doing much better than only a year ago, but more often than not I still feel drained and like the creative part of me is starved and prevented from fully thriving because I have neither the time nor space to let it bloom properly, especially during school holidays. There are a lot of school holidays here, lasting 2 weeks each time and 2 whole months for the summer ones, and without childcare support I find it really difficult to not feel ´stalled’ each time in my creative work. And this feeling fuels other feelings such as frustration, bitterness, anger… which led to tensions and outbursts. Not a great combination.
I don’t have answers for you on how to get to a better place but I believe being aware of where we are right now and being able to reflect on it is already a great step in the right direction. Besides, making space for your art and publishing this piece, even if you don’t feel it’s complete or perfect, is also very inspiring for me. I should try and do that more.
Thank you lovely one, I really appreciate your honesty here and I very much relate to what you say about the holidays. I both crave the spaciousness of them and then also find the lack of structure and lack of personal space really intense. I have to stay devoted to my art even when it isn't polished... that has been my commitment to it this year so I am glad that even in the mess it can offer a little glimmer of inspiration. xxx
I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already thinking about this pull and how it will feel, I already resonate with this desire to be both a mother and creative - I love the work I do and think I'll be a better mother for having time and space to do it... but, we'll see!
Ahhh Jodie, I am so excited for you at what is to come and I have no doubt that with all your intention you will navigate it with grace. I think the most important thing is to stay very open and honour what you feel in each moment - because truly it is never linear of course. In my personal experience having the time to honour my creative 100000% makes me a better Mama. xxx
Great read - this made me feel very seen and really captures my daily train of thought. So no you are not the only one wondering all of this, definitely not, something always needs to be adjusted and we do so as we adjust to life! It’s just quite tiring…
Thank you for seeing me Gaelle, I so appreciate you sharing that you resonate. It is very tiring!!! xxx
I so appreciate your honesty, always Lauren.
I often feel so unreconciled with this motherhood - creativity thing.
There IS a tug both ways and both cannot be given our full attention at the same time, and like you, I need whole meals not scraps.
Knowing this about myself is mostly why I am not having a second child, even though I’ve tried to push these feelings away for the sake of ‘the future’, the first few years took such a toll on me, especially since my partner and I have all our family overseas, that I cannot bear the idea of doing it again, being pulled away from my creativity again so abruptly and for so long, and yet I’m still not sure I can bear the idea of my daughter not having a sibling that she so desires.
Your piece has made me feel more validated in ways I didn’t quite know I needed 💜
Oh gosh yes that is such a big decision and I really grappled with it myself before we decided to have a second little one. It was a reason we did it in the timeline that I did because any longer I would have struggled to 'go back' to the early years and lose my creative time and space for even longer. That word 'unreconciled' is definitely one I feel too... there really is never a 'right' answer, or a total feeling of peace and ease.
I really appreciate your comment and your input in this conversation, and I am so grateful to be surrounded by others who 'get it'... I don't think I could admit this out loud on any other platform than here because it feels like a space that really honours the creatives/Mothers in us. xxx
Ohhhh. Tears. 🥺 I've been really struggling with this too. Definitely not ok. Grieving the creative life I've given up.. and simultaneously longing for more space while wanting to hold the preciousness of each moment with my girl. 80% a slog and 20% joy on a good day. That’s real. The moments of joy are sacred, but they often come after moments (or hours) of repetitive, mind numbing tasks, exhaustion, frustration, resentment and longing for something that feels like you. I get it, I really do.
I feel you so deeply, I am sorry that you are in that space too. It is such an internal conflict in so many ways, and I wish it wasn't so. I know that things will shift of course, but it is very intense in these early years for sure. Thank you for your comment and support. xxx
I really felt this piece. You are not alone. I feel you. I just only wish I had the answers for us x
Thank you for the solidarity. I don’t know that there is one answer but that’s ok. Xxx
"something has to give" has been running through my mind as of late. This was an affirming read.
Thank you for reading Mary. xxx
Hi Lauren, I don't have the time to respond fully right now... but I just wanted to say this: Thank you for being so open, honest and brave! 🥰 Sharing your TRUE feelings as a mother is such a powerful thing to do - your words will help so many other mothers feel seen, understood and supported 👍❤️👏xx
Thank you for taking the time when I know you don't have much space - I truly appreciate it and it feels so comforting to know that so many of us are feeling this... not that it makes it OK but it makes it feel less lonely. xxx
Being an artist and being a mother are, for me, completely at odds... I can't do both well, or as well as I would like to. After a tough day over here it helped to read about your experience and not feel as alone, as trapped. Thank you.
Ahhh Diana, hugs to you - I have definitely had those days. Some days it feels like I have managed to balance it better, and others not at all and I feel - like you mention - at odds and like I am doing everything ineffectively!!! Wishing you a gentler day ahead and I am so grateful that these words reached you when you needed them. xxx
Ah dearest L, I relate so deeply to every single one of your thoughts. It’s like you verbalised everything that is tied up in my mind! As you know I am finding the dance of mothering/creativity/career a challenge at the moment with everything feeling so squeezed. And yes, I so often feel so full that I am going to spill over. It’s not an inherently ‘bad’ feeling and there is so much to be celebrated but it is all a lot to manage (or maybe that’s impossible). And also yes to the needing space but the simultaneous ache when not with children. And the adventures and not wanting to leave home. And wondering how others do it and why I find it such an intense challenge. Here with you and all of it, it is a lot, the existence of multiple beings in one body/mind xx
Thank you for the solidarity my love, I am so grateful that you are by my side in this season. It brings me a lot of comfort and reassurance to be navigating it all with others. So grateful for you always. xxx
Lauren, your words are so honest, raw and needed. You put into words the thoughts that go around in my head but that I can't quite articulate, thank you for providing that clarity and wisdom. All of this post is so relatable and this part especially:
"...only when I am thriving do the rest of my family truly thrive."
This is so true. When we feel like we've had that time to do whatever it is that refuels us, lights us up then that's when we can show up as who we really want to be in all roles in our lives. And the part about knowing that you'll yearn for these moments of your kids being young, when they are older, but at the same time not being able to enjoy it because you feel so depleted, that. I often feel like this when I look back at when my eldest two were little, they are now 10 and 7. I find it especially hard to remember much about when my 7yo was a baby and until he was 2 maybe, because motherhood was just so all consuming. It's only with a big age gap that I've been able to soak in my time with my 2yo now.
Thank you Jenna, I guess I was expressing these words for many of us somehow!! I really feel that grief over what I will have missed because of the depletion… really gets to me. I don’t think we can really get a grasp on just how much it takes out of us until we are beyond that phase can we? It’s also something only we can do for ourselves because nobody is going to do it for us!! Which hurts but also I guess is an opportunity to claim some of our power back. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience xxx
I relate to this so much. The pull in different directions. The feeling that something needs to change but not knowing what or how it's possible. I have nothing helpful to say except that you're not alone! xx
Thank you lovely, I am sad that this is the reality, but also glad that I am not alone in the frustrations. I can't help but be consumed by how to 'fix' it at times, it takes up a lot of energy!!! xxx
That feeling of 'should' is a sneaky one, isn't it? It's so easy to fall into the trap of believing we should have everything under control, especially as mothers. But life is messy, and motherhood is even messier. Your willingness to be vulnerable and admit that you don't have all the answers is a powerful reminder that it's okay to be in the messy middle. We're all just doing our best, and that's enough. A lovely essay. 🩵
Thank you Alexander, I really appreciate you seeing the words and the intention behind the mess!! xx
That balance and guilt and frustration and burnout are some of the hardest things about being a parent, especially if you have multiple drives outside of the "mother" title. I've spent 2025 so far striving for the balance between "mom" and my new position at my 40 hour corporate job. I'm getting close to that magical balance, but it's at the expense of my writing. I haven't published on my Substack since I got the new role and every free creative moment I have I spend on my extremely-slow-going WIP. Then I have that same tear you wrote so beautifully between self-sacrifice for your children and self-preservation for your personal identity. You captured that struggle wonderfully with the perfect meandering format that emulates the internal dialogue moms battle daily.
Thank you so much for this comment Heather, It does seem that there is always a 'cost' and then I think is this more about the fact we have been 'told' to strive for so much that whatever we do is never quite 'enough'... but if we are starved of something that truly nourishes us then that generally I find gets louder and louder eventually!! I really appreciate your words here, and it is very inspiring that you are even getting close to that magical 'balance'... shows that it is possible!!!! xxx
Holding you in that space of wondering and wandering where the balance lies 🙏🏼
Thank you Eliza. xxx
Thank for you writing this piece, my heart ached reading it because you beautifully put into words so much of what I feel on a regular basis about motherhood. There is no one way, only your way. And I find myself coming back to one of your wonderings, I think this season my heart has to feel stretched so thin.
Thank you lovely one, you are so right, only our own way. Need to constantly remind myself of this. xxx
Thanks for sharing Lauren because you are so not alone! We are a lot to be there with you and finding it hard.
Personally, I’m still struggling to find a way to balance or reconcile these different needs. I know I’m already doing much better than only a year ago, but more often than not I still feel drained and like the creative part of me is starved and prevented from fully thriving because I have neither the time nor space to let it bloom properly, especially during school holidays. There are a lot of school holidays here, lasting 2 weeks each time and 2 whole months for the summer ones, and without childcare support I find it really difficult to not feel ´stalled’ each time in my creative work. And this feeling fuels other feelings such as frustration, bitterness, anger… which led to tensions and outbursts. Not a great combination.
I don’t have answers for you on how to get to a better place but I believe being aware of where we are right now and being able to reflect on it is already a great step in the right direction. Besides, making space for your art and publishing this piece, even if you don’t feel it’s complete or perfect, is also very inspiring for me. I should try and do that more.
Thank you lovely one, I really appreciate your honesty here and I very much relate to what you say about the holidays. I both crave the spaciousness of them and then also find the lack of structure and lack of personal space really intense. I have to stay devoted to my art even when it isn't polished... that has been my commitment to it this year so I am glad that even in the mess it can offer a little glimmer of inspiration. xxx
I'm 35 weeks pregnant and already thinking about this pull and how it will feel, I already resonate with this desire to be both a mother and creative - I love the work I do and think I'll be a better mother for having time and space to do it... but, we'll see!
Ahhh Jodie, I am so excited for you at what is to come and I have no doubt that with all your intention you will navigate it with grace. I think the most important thing is to stay very open and honour what you feel in each moment - because truly it is never linear of course. In my personal experience having the time to honour my creative 100000% makes me a better Mama. xxx