I wonder...

A meandering pathway of thoughts and contemplative musings that are stirring my soul right now...

This Saturday (1st March) we have our next Restoration Session in The Balm Membership. If you are longing to lie down, replenish your mind, body and soul through gentle embodiment practices, nurturing Yoga Nidra and optional space to journal, then do join us in the membership for £8 a month or £65 for a year by upgrading below, or using this link to get a month free trial.

Hello lovely one

How is your heart today?

My heart is feeling… stretched…

I don’t have a ‘complete’ piece to share with you this week. Well not a fully formulated cohesive essay anyway.

My littlest has decided not to nap in my regular writing slot (on Monday) and I appear to be in the hangover of half term where I feel overwhelm nipping at my heels at the prospect of what needs to be ‘done’.

However… in devotion to my art I am showing up regardless. Knowing this won’t be a post that is likely to gain huge traction, or massive engagement… and trusting that the act of placing my fingers on the keyboard and expressing what comes through is ‘ENOUGH’. Creativity, for creativity sake is always ENOUGH.

What I do have to offer you is a swirling whirlpool of thoughts and wonderings traveling through my mind, and an urge to write them here. Perhaps your mind is similar?

Maybe these unfinished meanderings aren’t even supposed to be anything other than incomplete. Perhaps that’s the beauty in it? Not everything can be, or needs to be fully formed for it to spark something in another.

One of only a few photos from our half term last week after a nasty virus struck down my littlest.

Something needs to change… but what?

The most pressing thing I am exploring in my life right now is trying to find the ‘right’ balance between my work, my personal needs and my mothering. Well… as close to it as I can find anyway, because if I am honest, right now it doesn’t feel quite right.

And by ‘right’ I don’t mean a logical sense… I mean it in a felt sense of what makes me feel like I am living my life rather than just simply existing from day to day. My system doesn’t thrive in that state… it shows up as heightened anxiety, over-thinking, burned out but not able to sleep, it shows up as lacking in energy to take care of myself, or overwhelm... mone of these things are supportive to being the Mother I know that I could be… that simply sparks a spiral of guilt and shame because my girls deserve that version of me. I deserve that version of me.

My not self theme in Human Design is Frustration and Anger, and while these things are ‘normal’ in small doses, when they are showing up more often than not it is a sign that things are a little off track.

Currently I am in a pattern of feeling more Frustration and Anger than I know is healthy for me, these emotions in my system tell me that I need to check in and see what small (or large) shifts need to occur to allow me to find a little more of my signature themes of Satisfaction and Peace.

If you want to learn more about your own Not Self/Signature themes in Human Design you can watch the replay of The Foundation Of Human Design Workshop here.

Do I feel a little bit of shame admitting this? Yes. Part of me feels like I ‘should’ have this figured out. But what can I say? I am human. I ebb and flow as all humans do. All I can do is meet this place with curiosity and compassion… and choose to see it as opportunity and information rather than berating myself for ‘finding myself here… again’.

Being radically honest with myself

As someone that truly thrives on my creative work, when I am not getting chunks of time to dive in fully without interruption I feel stifled, stagnant, frustrated and out of tune with my natural flow. While I have a level of acceptance that this looks very different to my pre-children life, I can’t totally give it up. It is how I thrive, and only when I am thriving do the rest of my family truly thrive.

The old myth of sacrificing ourselves as Mothers is a bullshit way of making us shrink as women. For most of us Mothers are at the epicentre of the family and when that centre is off kilter then it impacts everyone. This is why tending to our selves is actually the most unselfish thing we could ever do. But that isn’t generally the messaging we get now is it?

I grapple with this predicament on a daily basis. I so desperately want to be here for my little ones in every way I can be, and yet it seems to be at the cost of ‘me’. I know that it is a season, and I know that of course these years will pass and I will no doubt nostalgically wish I had done at least one thing differently, but I also can’t seem to connect to the sense of true aliveness that I long for in the structure and routine that I find myself in currently.

Frustration shows up for me as a feeling of being almost trapped. Not moving, not evolving. Anger shows up for me as feeling disempowered and like my autonomy has been taken away from me.

So is it any wonder that my nervous system feels on edge at the moment? That on some level my body doesn’t feel ‘safe’?

My heart feels torn in two directions. To my babies and to my creative work… to nurturing my children and to nurturing my dreams and visions. I can’t choose one or the other, and yet right now I feel forced to in some ways.

But of course I can’t. And with that brings turmoil and over thinking — the opposite of what actually keeps me connected to my truest decisons.

I know the balance is not ‘right’ because when I am with them my heart is longing to write and create and connect to my work because if I am being radically honest… that part of me feels a little starved right now. It is only getting scraps and it needs a whole meal.

Something needs to change… this is the sentence I find myself saying over and over to myself (and my husband) and yet what? Every possible option seems to have a cost to it? A cost I am not sure I can afford? Do I just have to accept that I cannot find satisfaction and peace right now? Do I have to live with anxiety and frustration and anger in my system? Because that doesn’t feel great.

Is there ever a sense of equilibrium where everyone is ‘happy’? Maybe not all the time… but for the most part?

My heart hurts either way. Is this just how I have to live now? Is this Motherhood? Am I now forever a heart of two halves?

Have you found this ‘balance’? How do you feed all parts of yourself? I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

I wonder…

As I pondered over the thoughts above I also found myself drifting into a state of wondering and the following meandering thoughts poured… I wonder if you feel any of these too?

If you prefer to listen to this then press play on the audio below…

I wonder…

…Is this ache in my chest just how I exist now? The grief, the love, the feeling of being stretched beyond what is comfortable in my heart every single day? Is it just me or does everyone feel like this?

…Is there anything that I can do to really escape this feeling of overwhelm or do I just have to accept that I now dance regularly with a feeling that at any point I might just spill over?

…Is this sensation of ‘jangle’ in my nervous system something that is new to our generation or did our ancestors feel it too? Did they worry as much? Or have to work as hard on their mental health? Did they feel crushed with anxiety in the same ways? Or is this new to our generation?

…Is it only me that feels like Motherhood is 80% a slog, and 20% joy… on a good day? Am I going to be judged for even saying that?

…Will I ever adjust to the feeling that my heart is walking around outside of me when I don’t have my babies in my arms?

…If I have the capacity to be the Mother my children deserve? And what if I don’t? What then?

…If I am so pre-occupied with not having regrets about these early years with my daughters, that I am missing the whole journey and will only live with more regret?

…Why I can’t seem to tolerate the mundane daily moments of motherhood like others do? Or do they? Are they just better at hiding it and not feeling the impact of being touched and overloaded emotionally and physically quite as deeply?

…If others also have the same simultaneous desire of escaping and going on adventures, while also never leaving home?

…Why my brain can’t seem to process things in the same way that it used to? Is it down to motherhood, hormones, sleep deprivation, anxiety or is it actually that I am not able to mask in the same ways that I used to?

…How life can feel so full and yet so lonely all in one mouthful?

…How it can feel like tears will spill at any moment and yet they never come… like the grief is stuck in my chest somehow?

…How others ‘do it’? How do they dance with life and motherhood and taking care of themselves… not to mention having any kind of social life or life beyond the essentials?

…Why I can’t seem to figure out what is the right thing to do for myself, because I feel so tangled up in what is ‘right’ for my girls that I don’t know what is them and what is me anymore?

I wonder… is anyone actually OK?

I wonder…

I wonder.

I welcome the chance to take this deeper in the comments or on email, please do share anything that has surfaced for you as you read.

Exciting news for those who have listened to The Unravelling Podcast… it is coming back… next week a brand new episode will be landing in your inbox. A rich and deep conversation with

Ellie Nova

and I can’t wait to share it with you.

Until next time

With so much love and gratitude

Lauren

xxx

A free Circle

In case you missed it, on Saturday 8th March

Lyndsay Kaldor

and I are holding a free virtual circle to honour International Women’s Day. This is part of a collaborative creative chain of offerings, words and sharings from incredible expressive women. You can read more about the invitation to take part, and to receive some of the magical offerings here.

Within the circle we will combine meaningful words with restorative pauses and reflective contemplation, allowing space to uncover our soul songs, and to gather live amongst a community of creative women across the world.

When? 11am - 12pm (GMT), Saturday 8th March 2025.

If you want to join us for , book your free space below…

Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren. A Mother of two daughters, Writer, Women’s Circle Facilitator, Sacred Business Mentor & Guide, Soul Branding & Website Creator and multi-dimensional human being. I walk with, and hold space for, others who are treading the tender path of their heart and soul work. You can find out more about this space and what to expect here. If you wish to be held in a deeper way do consider joining The Balm membership for restorative practices, sacred heart work offerings and more…

If you enjoyed this piece and wish to explore my other spaces please use the links below to explore…

Motherhood Essays
Self-Tending Practices
The Unravelling Podcast
Sacred Living
Work With Me