The algorithm gods brought your Note to my attention and now your post. I love this kind of serendipity.
What a beautifully written open hearted piece. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.
I suspect you knew when writing this that many other deep thinkers shared your tendency towards anxiety. I was one such.
After decades of looking for relief I realised the most deep seated anxiety came from an unconscious fear of my death. I looked at this overcame it. Much, though not all, of my anxiety has diminished.
I’m not saying this is universal but it seems I lived in a constant state of grief for myself. The ultimate FOMO.
Hi Gary, so glad that the algorithm has worked it’s magic. I really do relate to that fear as well, I think while it is death that terrifies me it is not truly living that scares me more. Thank you for sharing that with me and for your resonance, it is also so inspiring to hear that you have worked with that fear and found a sense of peace. x
Your perspective on the paradox of mental health struggles—feeling exhausted but knowing change is needed—is so accurate. It's like being stuck in quicksand, the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. You mentioned that your past few years appeared expansive, yet there was this undercurrent of fear and not being "enough." This duality is something I think many of us experience. We achieve, we create, we build, but internally, there's this voice questioning our worthiness. It's a strange dance of outer success and inner turmoil. I love that you're acknowledging it, showing that even with "success," the human experience can be deeply complex. It's a reminder that progress isn't linear; it's a messy, beautiful, and often contradictory journey.
Thank you Alexander, and yes I think it’s yet another reminder of the complexity of human nature and there is so much polarity. I questioned whether I should even write about it because of course that storyline of worry that people might think I’m not able to support them but actually my work has been such a medicine and healing tonic over this time that I have to trust the people I would work with can witness my truth without being ‘put off’. And the depth I can go with people now seems to have only been made richer throughout this time. Maybe because feeling capacity has been expanded?!? X
This is so beautiful, Lauren I feel you. I have too been navigating anxiety my whole life and very recently shifted to this grief I cannot shake, for everything and nothing at all at once. I prefer this grief to the anxiety though, it helps me feel more human and I know I am alive, and feeling deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart always, you are not alone in how you feel.
That’s a beautiful frame of it lovely, I too prefer the grief to the anxiety. It can be so hard to Mother our little ones when we also feel an absence of safety in ourselves. I’m learning to find it in new ways but the grief that I’ve spent so much of my life without it has been tough to be with. So grateful for you being here and reading my words xxx
It is overwhelming at times how overtaking the grief can be, especially after decades of not dealing with it in the way it needs. But we’re doing it, slowly and gently.
Gosh, I feel this so much, Lauren! Life just feels heartbreaking and all too much so much of the time. But I am inspired by you finding a way to harness and value it! That's something I'm going to be thinking about now!
That’s the words I find myself saying a lot… ‘too much’… and I guess that’s just an invitation to deepen the capacity to hold it all so that it doesn’t feel too much. I’m gently doing that I think… but it’s slow and takes such a tender touch. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m so grateful for you xx
Thank you for sharing from your inner landscape dearest L, I felt every word coming from every cell of you. It is a tender and difficult journey, you show so much self-awareness and truth in this piece, thank you. And very much yes to the excruciating feeling of love and grief in the same breath. In the words of John O'Donohue, "be excessively gentle with yourself" xx
Thank you for such an honest and affirming post. Anxiety was at the centre of my life for a long, long while. I was diagnosed in my thirties and felt somehow “other”, believing there was something inherently wrong with me. Medication has helped me navigate it with more thought and care but I still feel that low hum of nervousness at times. Holding it with tenderness certainly helps. And it’s good to be able to look back with only love and no longer shame 💛
Such a beautiful share Sarah, thank you so much for your words here, I am truly witnessing them and very grateful to you for reading. I really love your words about holding it with tenderness, really is the most beautiful gift we can give ourselves. xxx
Your words reminded me of a beautiful quotation from John O’Donohue, ‘may I have the courage today to live the life that I would love…to waste my heart on fear no more…’
I resonated so deeply with this, it's unlikely to be coincidental that this is the first post I held here post-hiatus. Thank you ❤️
The weight and depth of feeling and grief, yes this appears to be life now for me too. Sometimes I miss feeling less, mostly not. It's intimidating, huge, powerful and beautiful.
It's like realising you're now capable of wielding the entirety of the ocean, but the aim is to move only a single grain of sand at a time.
Also, writing from the scar, not the wound... What an image! 🔥
Ahhh I feel such an honour that my words were the first you returned to here. intimidating is a really good word for it… and if not fully resourced that can be so hard to face. Yes those words on the scar have stayed with me for years now… welcoming you back here and looking forward to connecting more xxx
Lauren, I've been back a few times to read this post, one I feel I could have written myself. So much resonates - the urge to fix, the feeling that "I've cracked it!" and then I'm knocked on my arse again, the long list (and great cost) of things I've tried), the moments I'll never get back because anxiety stole them, trying to get through parenting moments when the alarm system is rattling my whole body, finding a great therapist, learning to slow down/sit with the feelings, of not previously having the capacity to do this, the desire to really be present and enjoy life, and this amazing question - is this grief just life? I noticed that as I felt less anxious, I felt a tremendous amount of grief. And I wonder if the anxiety was sometimes attempting to mask the sadness that is just part of life as we reckon with loss of all kinds.
Anyway, thank you for writing this and naming an experience I'm sure so many of us share. Grateful for people who are also prepared to feel xxx
Thank you Chloe, for your reply and for taking your time to read my post — the alarm system rattling… those words really resonated with me as that is how it feels — and yet I couldn’t find the words to even explain that at the time. It just feels like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that is exactly what I have been sitting with… has the anxiety been a cover up for the sadness or trying to mask the sadness because I didn’t know how to be with that. It feels so vast sometimes and overwhelming. I am so grateful for your supportive comment here, and for reflecting the sentiments of my piece back to me — I feel these little pieces of me coming into greater acceptance which feels a bit like a homecoming. xxx
Oh Lauren, thank you for sharing this beautiful and tender piece. I see you, I feel you, and in many ways I am you. Anxiety and panic have been pals of mine for a long time - since the “good ole days” we might say. As a somatic therapist AND as a human, I fully support distractions, because sometimes that IS the tool we most need to resource ourselves enough to find some footing. Wellness culture tells us to face everything head on, and to that I say - not at the cost of further self abandonment of what I and my body actually need. I’ve been writing about this lately and maybe this is my nudge to share it. Loving you from afar and holding your heart in mine x
Thank you Laurita, oh gosh your words are so soothing to me, and I agree... healthy distractions have given me the space to then come to things gently and gradually in a way that my body has felt OK with. They are a welcome lightness in amongst the healing. I would LOVE to read those words too... and maybe this is also a nudge to get on and do that podcast episode together? So grateful for your words here. xxx
Wow Lauren 😭😍 this has touched me so deeply. Your eloquence in describing your anxiety and your process is astounding and strikes such a chord in me. I have been going through very similar things and I feel supported and seen just by reading your words on your experience, as it unfolds.
I used to call m experience being alive in this world 'depression' from being an early teen right through to about 3 years ago, when it morphed (for an unknown reason that I have often wondered about) into me naming it 'anxiety'. But lately I have been going through a lot of changes within and have mused on this idea that this is being sensitive. This is being me, a sensitive being, a human with a wide open heart, this is perhaps not the anxiety I thought it was a defect or something missing, or something added that shouldn't be there. Really interesting read 💜🙏 thankyou for your vulnerability. I can't wait for Saturday's member session. Xxx
Ahhh Jo it seems we are coming to the same sense of acceptance in ourselves. I’m so grateful for these words of support, they are so soothing to me and the realisation that we are not defective (which I have made a whole lifetime of story from to be honest and am slowly allowing myself to see through a different lens) is a huge piece. I can’t wait to be with you tomorrow xxx
Anxiety is not something I’m familiar with myself, but thank you for sharing so honestly your journey and your heart. It made me realize that maybe I have people around me experiencing what you’re describing.
Thank you for reading my words and witnessing me. My husband is very much the same and is not familiar with it but of course has seen it second hand through me. It fascinates me how different we all are always! Xx
Holding you as we walk along this path together Megan. And yes... I am so grateful to have found her as she really does mix things together with her tools. She was recommended to me by a friend (my 4 line at play of course) so it felt all very aligned. xxx
Right there with you my friend! I love that!! And I also love how you wondered if our HSP empathic ways impacted your day to day feelings too- so much at play right?💕
Wow! This gave me such an incredible insight into what living with anxiety and it's shapeshifting ways can be like. I have two daughters who struggle with it so it helps if I have at least a little bit of understanding. I particularly love that you have got to a place where it feels less panicky and fearful. Thank you for taking the time to find the words to express how you feel. It was illuminating.
Ahhh Jane, thank you for witnessing me. Of course it shows up for all of us in different shapes but I think there are many familiar threads. I’m sorry your daughters experience it too, I hope that they can find ways of being with it and settling themselves. It’s a journey but it’s also one that I am very grateful for in many ways because it’s lead me into my heart and soul work. Xxx
Hi Lauren,
The algorithm gods brought your Note to my attention and now your post. I love this kind of serendipity.
What a beautifully written open hearted piece. Thank you for your generosity of spirit.
I suspect you knew when writing this that many other deep thinkers shared your tendency towards anxiety. I was one such.
After decades of looking for relief I realised the most deep seated anxiety came from an unconscious fear of my death. I looked at this overcame it. Much, though not all, of my anxiety has diminished.
I’m not saying this is universal but it seems I lived in a constant state of grief for myself. The ultimate FOMO.
Hi Gary, so glad that the algorithm has worked it’s magic. I really do relate to that fear as well, I think while it is death that terrifies me it is not truly living that scares me more. Thank you for sharing that with me and for your resonance, it is also so inspiring to hear that you have worked with that fear and found a sense of peace. x
I’m glad we found connection.
Your perspective on the paradox of mental health struggles—feeling exhausted but knowing change is needed—is so accurate. It's like being stuck in quicksand, the more you struggle, the deeper you sink. You mentioned that your past few years appeared expansive, yet there was this undercurrent of fear and not being "enough." This duality is something I think many of us experience. We achieve, we create, we build, but internally, there's this voice questioning our worthiness. It's a strange dance of outer success and inner turmoil. I love that you're acknowledging it, showing that even with "success," the human experience can be deeply complex. It's a reminder that progress isn't linear; it's a messy, beautiful, and often contradictory journey.
Thank you Alexander, and yes I think it’s yet another reminder of the complexity of human nature and there is so much polarity. I questioned whether I should even write about it because of course that storyline of worry that people might think I’m not able to support them but actually my work has been such a medicine and healing tonic over this time that I have to trust the people I would work with can witness my truth without being ‘put off’. And the depth I can go with people now seems to have only been made richer throughout this time. Maybe because feeling capacity has been expanded?!? X
This is so beautiful, Lauren I feel you. I have too been navigating anxiety my whole life and very recently shifted to this grief I cannot shake, for everything and nothing at all at once. I prefer this grief to the anxiety though, it helps me feel more human and I know I am alive, and feeling deeply. Thank you for sharing your heart always, you are not alone in how you feel.
That’s a beautiful frame of it lovely, I too prefer the grief to the anxiety. It can be so hard to Mother our little ones when we also feel an absence of safety in ourselves. I’m learning to find it in new ways but the grief that I’ve spent so much of my life without it has been tough to be with. So grateful for you being here and reading my words xxx
It is overwhelming at times how overtaking the grief can be, especially after decades of not dealing with it in the way it needs. But we’re doing it, slowly and gently.
Gosh, I feel this so much, Lauren! Life just feels heartbreaking and all too much so much of the time. But I am inspired by you finding a way to harness and value it! That's something I'm going to be thinking about now!
That’s the words I find myself saying a lot… ‘too much’… and I guess that’s just an invitation to deepen the capacity to hold it all so that it doesn’t feel too much. I’m gently doing that I think… but it’s slow and takes such a tender touch. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. I’m so grateful for you xx
This was so achingly honest and beautiful.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting Marina. xx
Sheeesh Lauren. Thank you for your tender heart here, as always it’s a privilege to read such openness from you.
Sending love 💜
Thank you Sarina, the support and love and connection feels so welcoming, even if I still do have that little hangover of vulnerability! xx
🤍🤍
Thank you for sharing from your inner landscape dearest L, I felt every word coming from every cell of you. It is a tender and difficult journey, you show so much self-awareness and truth in this piece, thank you. And very much yes to the excruciating feeling of love and grief in the same breath. In the words of John O'Donohue, "be excessively gentle with yourself" xx
Mmmmm I think I always need that reminder to be gentle so I appreciate that so much. Thank you for your beautiful words in response to my writing. xxx
Thank you for such an honest and affirming post. Anxiety was at the centre of my life for a long, long while. I was diagnosed in my thirties and felt somehow “other”, believing there was something inherently wrong with me. Medication has helped me navigate it with more thought and care but I still feel that low hum of nervousness at times. Holding it with tenderness certainly helps. And it’s good to be able to look back with only love and no longer shame 💛
Such a beautiful share Sarah, thank you so much for your words here, I am truly witnessing them and very grateful to you for reading. I really love your words about holding it with tenderness, really is the most beautiful gift we can give ourselves. xxx
Your words reminded me of a beautiful quotation from John O’Donohue, ‘may I have the courage today to live the life that I would love…to waste my heart on fear no more…’
Oh gosh this is beautiful Alison, thank you for sharing. I am going to write that down and put it by my bed. xxx
I resonated so deeply with this, it's unlikely to be coincidental that this is the first post I held here post-hiatus. Thank you ❤️
The weight and depth of feeling and grief, yes this appears to be life now for me too. Sometimes I miss feeling less, mostly not. It's intimidating, huge, powerful and beautiful.
It's like realising you're now capable of wielding the entirety of the ocean, but the aim is to move only a single grain of sand at a time.
Also, writing from the scar, not the wound... What an image! 🔥
Ahhh I feel such an honour that my words were the first you returned to here. intimidating is a really good word for it… and if not fully resourced that can be so hard to face. Yes those words on the scar have stayed with me for years now… welcoming you back here and looking forward to connecting more xxx
Lauren, I've been back a few times to read this post, one I feel I could have written myself. So much resonates - the urge to fix, the feeling that "I've cracked it!" and then I'm knocked on my arse again, the long list (and great cost) of things I've tried), the moments I'll never get back because anxiety stole them, trying to get through parenting moments when the alarm system is rattling my whole body, finding a great therapist, learning to slow down/sit with the feelings, of not previously having the capacity to do this, the desire to really be present and enjoy life, and this amazing question - is this grief just life? I noticed that as I felt less anxious, I felt a tremendous amount of grief. And I wonder if the anxiety was sometimes attempting to mask the sadness that is just part of life as we reckon with loss of all kinds.
Anyway, thank you for writing this and naming an experience I'm sure so many of us share. Grateful for people who are also prepared to feel xxx
Thank you Chloe, for your reply and for taking your time to read my post — the alarm system rattling… those words really resonated with me as that is how it feels — and yet I couldn’t find the words to even explain that at the time. It just feels like I want to crawl out of my skin. But that is exactly what I have been sitting with… has the anxiety been a cover up for the sadness or trying to mask the sadness because I didn’t know how to be with that. It feels so vast sometimes and overwhelming. I am so grateful for your supportive comment here, and for reflecting the sentiments of my piece back to me — I feel these little pieces of me coming into greater acceptance which feels a bit like a homecoming. xxx
Oh Lauren, thank you for sharing this beautiful and tender piece. I see you, I feel you, and in many ways I am you. Anxiety and panic have been pals of mine for a long time - since the “good ole days” we might say. As a somatic therapist AND as a human, I fully support distractions, because sometimes that IS the tool we most need to resource ourselves enough to find some footing. Wellness culture tells us to face everything head on, and to that I say - not at the cost of further self abandonment of what I and my body actually need. I’ve been writing about this lately and maybe this is my nudge to share it. Loving you from afar and holding your heart in mine x
Thank you Laurita, oh gosh your words are so soothing to me, and I agree... healthy distractions have given me the space to then come to things gently and gradually in a way that my body has felt OK with. They are a welcome lightness in amongst the healing. I would LOVE to read those words too... and maybe this is also a nudge to get on and do that podcast episode together? So grateful for your words here. xxx
Wow Lauren 😭😍 this has touched me so deeply. Your eloquence in describing your anxiety and your process is astounding and strikes such a chord in me. I have been going through very similar things and I feel supported and seen just by reading your words on your experience, as it unfolds.
I used to call m experience being alive in this world 'depression' from being an early teen right through to about 3 years ago, when it morphed (for an unknown reason that I have often wondered about) into me naming it 'anxiety'. But lately I have been going through a lot of changes within and have mused on this idea that this is being sensitive. This is being me, a sensitive being, a human with a wide open heart, this is perhaps not the anxiety I thought it was a defect or something missing, or something added that shouldn't be there. Really interesting read 💜🙏 thankyou for your vulnerability. I can't wait for Saturday's member session. Xxx
Ahhh Jo it seems we are coming to the same sense of acceptance in ourselves. I’m so grateful for these words of support, they are so soothing to me and the realisation that we are not defective (which I have made a whole lifetime of story from to be honest and am slowly allowing myself to see through a different lens) is a huge piece. I can’t wait to be with you tomorrow xxx
Anxiety is not something I’m familiar with myself, but thank you for sharing so honestly your journey and your heart. It made me realize that maybe I have people around me experiencing what you’re describing.
Thank you for reading my words and witnessing me. My husband is very much the same and is not familiar with it but of course has seen it second hand through me. It fascinates me how different we all are always! Xx
Such a beautiful and honest share Lauren 💕 thank you for it as I’m working through my anxiety and those manifestations too💕
P.S. I love that you were able to find a therapist that mixes body and mind✨ I’ve been looking for that too!
Holding you as we walk along this path together Megan. And yes... I am so grateful to have found her as she really does mix things together with her tools. She was recommended to me by a friend (my 4 line at play of course) so it felt all very aligned. xxx
Right there with you my friend! I love that!! And I also love how you wondered if our HSP empathic ways impacted your day to day feelings too- so much at play right?💕
Wow! This gave me such an incredible insight into what living with anxiety and it's shapeshifting ways can be like. I have two daughters who struggle with it so it helps if I have at least a little bit of understanding. I particularly love that you have got to a place where it feels less panicky and fearful. Thank you for taking the time to find the words to express how you feel. It was illuminating.
Ahhh Jane, thank you for witnessing me. Of course it shows up for all of us in different shapes but I think there are many familiar threads. I’m sorry your daughters experience it too, I hope that they can find ways of being with it and settling themselves. It’s a journey but it’s also one that I am very grateful for in many ways because it’s lead me into my heart and soul work. Xxx