Lost and found... found and lost...
Losing myself and finding my SELF in the journey of Motherhood, an insight into my creative process AND The MotherMind rebirthed...
Hello… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Writer, Creator, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. I support those forever changed by Matrescence and the journey of Motherhood. If you are new here please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy my work please consider upgrading for £5 a month…
Hello lovely soul,
How are you doing right now?
As I write this I feel as though I am in a bit of an ‘in between worlds’ phase. My tolerance level has dipped, my irritability level increased, my self-doubt has reared its ugly head… I think it’s hormonal as I feel that distinct shift towards inner autumn and winter, but I’m not 100% sure because I’ve only had one bleed since Vesper was born and my body is still settling.
It feels strange to not truly have a handle on my inner rhythm yet… and perhaps we never really do, just the illusion of it. This unknown forces me to be ever present and simply meet with whatever is rising without always having an answer or ‘reason’ for it bubbling up. A lesson I am continually learning in all areas of my life.
While I wish to be a total ‘go with the flow’ kind of woman… if I’m honest, the lack of stability often makes me feel un-tethered.
But… if I lean into the parts of me that know within lostness, confusion and uncertainty there is magic - I can usually find a little stable ground.
Something I learned about the creative process, while working with clients on their branding and websites, is that there is a stage of the creation journey which feels utterly chaotic and messy before the shape of a project really comes through. It takes a lot of patience and courage to keep moving through that phase, in fact it used to really unsettle me and raise questions of ‘can I really do this?’ or ‘is this just sh*t?’. BUT now I see it as absolute creative GOLD and a sign that I am actually right where I need to be. There is no set timeline - but just a sense of trust.
So when the ‘lostness’ comes… I don’t like it… but I do know that it is important.
The void space
This time last year, almost to the day, I was 34 weeks pregnant and exploring, half naked, in the mist at dawn with my dear friend and trusted photographer Kezi for my maternity shoot (the photos in this piece are from that shoot). I felt in a similar space of ‘in between worlds’ then. Partly due to my own inner season, but also reflective of the entire energy of November. It feels very much a void month to me.
I have come to accept and understand that often this void space, or in between phase, is when we are in transition. Parts of us are falling away - decaying into the earth - and parts of us are not fully formed yet. There is impatience. There is sometimes fear. There is a clinging to what is tangible because the intangible is unknown.
But if we can just be with that discomfort a little longer than we think we can.
That is when the magic can occur.
On Sunday morning I woke up feeling frustration fizzing around in my body - snappy, intolerant, unsettled, agitated. I moved my body to disperse some of that frustration - circling, stretching, subtle movements, big movements, stillness, flow… I let the uncertainty dance through me and release pockets of tension, of holding, of bracing against the inevitable.
After… and only after this movement felt complete, I sat on the edge of my bed, while the noise of the breakfast chaos was echoing upstairs - and the familar ‘ping’ of words started to drop in to my awareness…
I opened Notes on my phone and started to let them pour. They kept coming, drip by drip, word by word… alchemising into little sentences before my eyes.
My creative process
I don’t know how anyone else writes - but this is my process. It is fast. It gushes out of me. And then when it is complete it trickles to an end, and I just KNOW.
I know because it feels like relief. Like contentment. Like an emptying in the best possible way.
I will return to it, tweak and refine, but really it just comes as it is. I trust the transmission. It is never about perfection - it is about the energy that infuses each word and the way they form.
This to me is the magic of writing. I see the words as little spells - each landing to activate something for me AND for those who read and find them.
What does your creative process FEEL like?
The result of this particular process is below, some love notes from my Mother HeART to yours…
You can listen here, or read them below…
Lost and found…
That’s how I feel about myself right now.
Lost in a sea of monotonous moments.
Found in the strength that rises during experiences I would have previously run from.
Lost in comparison and not enoughness.
Found in the words that start to formulate in my head and need to pour through me.
Lost in wondering when things will get easier…
Found in the moments right here, right now.
Lost in ‘getting through’ and the unsettled feeling of not living every moment in joy.
Found in the grit and resilience to stay in discomfort and soften to it. Over and over again.
Lost in the aches and tightness in my physical body as it meets me in this new phase
Found in the arms of my yoga mat, the pauses and the micro moments of embodiment that I know I have to make time for.
Lost in self doubt and inner questioning.
Found in my heart space, my body, my home.
Lost in the muddy trenches of tears and tiny toes.
Found in the crystal clear reflections mirrored back to me by these moments.
Lost in the burn of white hot rage and anger.
Found in the smouldering embers of my former selves.
Lost in a love that is not like the fairytales.
Found in the melting of tension from the muscles in, and around, my ribcage.
Lost in the constant demands and being needed.
Found in their eyes, their smell, their innocence.
Lost in the thousands… maybe millions of steps paced to soothe and comfort.
Found in the stability of the earth beneath my feet.
Deeply lost in the mothering of my babies.
And deeply found in the mothering of my self.
Lost each day.
And every day found.
Losing my way.
Seeking solid ground.
One thousand times lost.
One thousand times found.
Lost
And
Found
Lost
And
found.
What are you losing right now? What are you finding?
Do share in the comments, or reply to me on email.
An update on The MotherMind
You may (or may not if you are new here) have seen in recent weeks me sharing about The MotherMind - one of my latest creations that merges Motherhood and Business together in an online group.
The doors closed over a week ago… except… they didn’t. Well they did… but then a little evolution occurred. Transparency is one of my key values in business and beyond - and so I am sharing my totally NON linear business journey with you here because it feels important.
The ‘launch’ of this offering taught me so much.
In fact I am sharing some of these potent gifts in a collaborative post with
which will be out in the coming days. As the doors closed I realised that the iteration I had been sharing was not as it needed to be. The essence of The MotherMind was not being fully honoured in the format I had presented it in. And so I rebirthed it with some refinement.I shortened the container to three months, changed the pricing, made it more spacious for both me and those joining it, postponed the start of it until January - and the sense of excitement and relief in doing so was felt throughout my whole body.
My body is my key anchor in my business - it is what guides me. My head is a passenger that is useful and supportive -but is not in charge of the direction and the bulk of the driving.
This launch process was a huge lesson in remembering that.
It is so important in our heart work to allow ourselves experimentation time, refinement processes, learning and ultimately to be human and real in the journey of it. The very heart of The MotherMind is to hold space for all of this - and so of course the container itself came here to teach me to embody that fully in myself.
If you are feeling called to joining a circle of Mothers who are also devoting themselves to their heart and soul work - do take a look and see if The MotherMind (rebirthed) is for you. I would love to share it with you.
I have so much to share around this process, the launch and the creation - and am thinking about sharing this on an audio for you - I would love to know if you would be interested in receiving that…
Until next time beautiful soul,
With so much love
Lauren
xxx
If you find any of my words soothing and supportive I would be so grateful if you felt called to share them.
Go deeper together…
If you enjoy my work and wish to go deeper you can…
Join the ‘MotherMind’ - a 3 month Business & Motherhood journey beginning in January. Find out more here
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Book a Human Design reading here
Listen to The Unravelling Podcast here
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Explore my Creative Branding & Design Studio website here
Really beautiful Lauren: you’re absolutely spot on about the constant rebirth and the feelings of lost and found. I loved the way you structured this piece too xx
I love your lost and found poem. This season of motherhood and new business is such a time of change - of loss and finding. Thank you for putting this into words.