The power in micro moments of self regulation
Sharing how I am leaning on the micro moments of regulation to soothe and settle my nervous system during my current season of life and Mothering
Hello lovely one
How are you feeling today? Have you checked in with your own needs yet today/this week/this month/this year?
My current reality is that we are in the throws of what I assume is the 12 month sleep ‘regression/progression’ - I KNOW it is developmental but that doesn’t make it any easier to navigate when in the murky midst of it.
Sleep with our youngest has never been straightforward, but we had found a little rhythm and she was sleeping for a few hours in her cot in her room at the start of the night which meant I could have some dinner with my husband, decompress, have a conversation, and then get into bed ready for the first wake up when she would undoubtedly be with us for the rest of the night. It certainly wasn’t perfect by society’s expectations but it was working… ish. We were doing OK.
But, as is the nature of babies, of course that has all changed, and despite her being absolutely fast asleep in our arms as we hold her to sleep, she has become a ninja at picking up the slightest movement and refuses point blank to stay in her cot.
So I am now going to bed at the same time as her - which on one hand is probably a positive thing because I am getting more rest - but on the other hand I really need that time in the evening to just be me for a few hours, without demands, without immediate responsibility.
I need to down-regulate after the day, to eat a meal slowly and let my food digest, and allow the residue of whatever has gone on in the hours leading up to bedtime to disintegrate before the night rolls in.
Those precious hours are missing right now, and I am finding it very hard.
So, I am heavily relying on hope right now, and the sentence ‘this too shall pass’… (I think perhaps I should get that sentence tattooed on my arm!) Yet again here is an opportunity to soften and surrender into a plan beyond my own mind - aren’t children the best for giving us these opportunities!!???!!
We are also thinking it is probably time to invest in a floor bed… any hot tips on this please let me know!
I have read a couple of beautiful pieces recently that have discussed sleep, this one from
is on way more than sleep, but it spoke to me in so many ways, and this one from made me feel way less alone in the whole sleep situation.
Between this, weeks of germs flying round the house (as I write this I have a scratchy throat so it is probably about to hit me too), starting to settle Vesper into nursery for a few hours a few mornings a week (yes… I know that the sleep challenges above are highly likely to be linked with this) and a highly HIGHLY emotional 4 year old who is giving me all of the attitude/assertiveness/backchat/sass, I have been having to lean very hard on my self regulation tools.
Hence the inspiration for this week’s writing to you.
Regulating, calming, soothing…
Edit… I was invited to share this as a audio note after I wrote this piece - so here it is. You can also download it here and save it to your device if you wish to have this as a reminder offline.
If you had asked me what I thought the most vital skill to learn as a parent would be… before I had my babies… I would never have answered with practices that soothe the nervous system.
And yet now, if I had to give any words of wisdom to a new parent… it would be to create a tool kit of resources you can call upon FAST, at any moment, that will help you connect to a calm, grounded state.
I can see now, that in the several years before I had children when I was devoting hours to my yoga mat, studying meditation and learning about the nervous system, it was all preparing me for motherhood!
On reflection, as I wrote this piece, I realised that my life is made up of a series of self soothing practices. Little moments. Tiny pockets. Many have become muscle memory to me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to remind myself regularly to return to them, it is a constant practice.
We only have to witness a young child having a huge emotional experience to truly see that when we become disregulated, it is impossible to rationally extract ourselves out of that place - especially without another person to support you.
And of course, these little beings need us to be their calm, safe harbous to be held in as they process whatever is rising in them. When we ourselves are under-resourced - which often rises for me most when I am parenting alone - this is near on impossible to do.
While in an ideal world we would get space to breathe, soothe and re-centre, the reality is that this isn’t always available, and so… micro moments of self regulation are the only way.
So how do I soothe and settle my soul?
It’s in the breath that I send lovingly into my belly and womb as I sit and hold my sleeping baby at bedtime knowing she is unlikely to let me put her down.
It’s looking around the room, or space I am in, to find something soothing to look at and orientate myself when chaos is whirling around me.
It’s in the pause I ‘try’ and take when my eldest is beside herself emotionally with seemingly irrational (to an adult) responses to very normal things.
It’s one hand on my chest, and one on hers, as I try and hold her raspy erratic tears and invite her to regulate her breathing, while I do the same.
It’s playing the game of what can we see/hear/taste/smell/touch when I need to return to the present moment.
It’s the sweet words I whisper to myself that ‘this is not personal’ when I get told ‘your not my best friend anymore’, or ‘I don’t like you, I just like Daddy’.
It’s the visualisation of my feet plugging into the ground and growing roots to Earth me as I stand and bounce, and shush, and soothe unsettled little ones.
It’s the scribbled words I note down on a scrap of paper to try and express something that needs to be shared.
It’s the sigh and reminder to drop my shoulders and loosen my jaw. Reminding my body I am OK. I am safe.
It’s turning my face to the sky with a slow inhale and even slower exhale when when I step outside- even for just one minute.
It’s lifting my toes and placing them carefully on the floor to anchor me when I feel like the storms might knock me over.
It’s in the glance of the moon and the wash of relief that pours over my shoulders when I see her in the sky… at any time of day.
It’s a nourishing bowl of warm food on a winter’s day that says… I’m important. My needs are important.
It’s sitting down at my desk knowing that the girls are with their Father and I can let responsibility melt for a few hours so I can fully immerse myself in creating art and magic in my heart work.
It’s in the essential oil I rub between my wrists and dot behind my ears to inhale at the start of a day that signals… I am connected.
It’s the gentle tapping of my chest with my finger tips when I feel like my emotions are bubbling over and I’m not in a ‘safe’ place to process them.
It’s humming to soothe myself as well as a crying baby.
It’s the tears. The salty drops that sometimes fall gently, and sometimes cascade with a scrunched up face and howls of ‘I can’t do this anymore’.
It’s fists scrunched so tightly my nails leave imprints in my hands.
It’s the embrace, and listening ears, from a friend who ‘just gets it’.
It’s sitting in circle with other women and other Mothers who truly witness me for all of my mess.
It’s a walk on my own.
It’s the words… I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.
It’s closing the door instead of leaving it open when I go upstairs to do some yoga while my husband baths the children.
It’s sunrise and sunset, it’s opening and closing the days. It’s ritual.
It’s a candle… the flickering flame, the light, the fire.
It’s writing.
It’s the balm of a guided meditation with
who always speaks the words I need to hear in the most tender of ways.It’s music. Sometimes loud and upbeat, sometimes a gentle melancholic hum in the background.
It’s silence. Oh sweet, sweet silence.
It’s whispering words of love and encouragement to my past selves when they feel on edge and need soothing.
It’s stepping out the back door so I can stomp or scream or cry in moments that feel like I could spill over in frustration or rage.
It’s softening my jaw when the baby pulls my hair as she is drifting off to sleep.
It’s nurturing the perfectionist parts of me, the little girl so scared to get it wrong, and telling her that it’s OK to make mistakes. To change plans. To have things not go as expected. That she is OK.
It’s in the knowing that hard moments will pass, it’s the evidence I have that I have survived every difficult experience to date - and that I will make it through this one too.
It’s rubbing my daughter’s backs and stroking their hair and listening to their delirious giggles as it gets closer to bedtime. It’s also having MY back rubbed, MY hair stroked, and being truly heard.
It’s laughing.
It’s parenting alongside other Mothers… somehow just being in it together feels soothing.
It’s their heart next to mine. Beating together. Merging together. Learning together.
It’s holding others and being held. Truly being held.
These are what poured out when I contemplated all the ways I connect to my own calm during my dail life. I would love to hear your self-soothing practices? How do you stay regulated during challenging times? What are your go-to micro moments of calm?
Please do share in the comments or in an email back to me.
Until next time…
With so much love,
Lauren
xxx
PS… this is the last few weeks that The Held Heart Yoga Nidra will be available in front of the paywall, so if you have been meaning to lie down and receive this nourishing practice you can do so here…
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An ‘all the everything’ voice note - for paying subscribers but you can get a month free trial here.
Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Writer, Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Website & Branding Creator, Human Design Guide, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. You can find out more about my work here. Please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy this, and you do have the means, I would be so grateful if you chose to support my creations for £5 a month…
Thank you for sharing the reality of your sleep. My son wakes often and I find it hard to talk about because there’s a lot of assumption he shouldn’t be or that he’s a bad sleeper. I mean maybe? But I think he has a lot of energy. We moved him onto a floor bed at 8 months, I believe. My husband built the base for it and we just placed his crib mattress on top. His bed is next to ours, I’m breastfeeding at night. It works, and he still wakes up. My son goes through phases of being a ninja and needing to be held too, then it passes. Like you said, this too shall pass.
Oh my gosh, this whole post was balm to my frantic soul!
‘If you had asked me what I thought the most vital skill to learn as a parent would be… before I had my babies… I would never have answered with practices that soothe the nervous system.’ SO TRUE. I had no idea.
For me, it’s a deep breath with eyes closed when I notice my heart and mind start to race. It’s noticing that I feel overstimulated and doing something to quiet the noise. It’s taking a moment to drink my coffee hot while the baby naps, even though I really *should* use the precious time to be more productive. 🥰