Witnessing, and holding, the beauty in an ending

My thoughts on closing chapters as I reflect on several important, and yet bittersweet endings, that have graced my life recently...

Before I begin, I want to remind anyone who is in the South East of England that

Lyndsay Kaldor

and I are hosting our first Holding Stories gathering — to tend to our creativity and connect with other writers — a week on Saturday (20th April 10am - 1.30pm) in London. We would love to share this with you, for all the details see this post and book here.

Hello lovely one

How are you today? How is your heart? Your mind? Your body? I hope that as you read this you can take a slow, loving breath and soften your jaw and your shoulders.

What is on my heart right now?

Endings…

Something that we often struggle with as humans. A closing of a chapter. A completion of a cycle. Endings involve letting go of something, loosening our grip and they often involve complex emotions.

I find that the fresh energy of a new creation is so well celebrated in our world, and yet endings… they are mostly kept hidden away. Unspoken. Left to lurk in the shadows. This can mean our experiences are often left lacking in integration.

I understand in some ways — because to see the emotions that an ending brings can be uncomfortable in a world that does not like to see sadness and grief — but recently I have been leaning in to some of the beauty, and bittersweet medicine, that truly witnessing, and integrating, an ending can bring.

On Saturday, the group of women who chose to gather with me for the first MotherMind, came together for our closing ceremony.

It has been a three month long quest. Tending to ourselves and nurturing the soil of our hearts and our creative dreams in online community. Spacious and gentle, yet powerful and visionary — more sacred than I could have ever imagined.

Every single woman in the circle has stepped forward in a unique, embodied and aligned way as they weave the tapestry of their heart work alongside Motherhood.

I have left every single gathering with a heart that is spilling over. It has nourished my soul in ways I didn’t know I was missing. I left each conversation craving more… and more… and more again.

And so naturally, every part of me wanted to ‘continue’ in some way. The thought of ending this chapter, of letting go of this loving energy, felt like I would be losing something. And I am. I have.

I will dearly miss the melding of hearts that we created all together.

I grappled with ways I could prolong it, continue the journey, clutching at strands of possibility to eek things out a little longer so I don’t feel the grief and the loss that comes with an ending.

And… while thoughts fluttered in about ways things could go on… nothing felt embodied enough to pursue it. Nothing gave me the full body YES I know I need to step forward into any new pursuit.

And so I softened into the acceptance that this ending was meant to be.

That it was time…

Time to close.

Time to end.

The closing was the only thing that felt like a true YES in my body - even though it also sparked feelings of sadness.

I asked each woman in our space to consider… ‘what next?’ a question left open for their own interpretation.

And I asked myself the same question…

The answer….

Space. Integration. Possibility.

… and that feels so incredibly expansive.

I am celebrating that I can sit and hold the sadness and grief of this ending when previously I wouldn’t have been able to. I can see all that has been unearthed during the journey AND I can close this circle, this chapter, with a grateful heart and a true knowing that we all danced together for a little while, and those steps were beautiful.

We have each left a little imprint in our hearts — that will last our entire lifetimes. Isn’t that magical?

My capacity to hold a goodbye has stretched and I feel like that lesson holds so much richness and depth in itself.

As I clicked the ‘end meeting’ button on Zoom for the final time of this iteration of The MotherMind… I felt…. gently complete.

Beauty comes from closing… a gifted piece of heART created for our circle by Sophie who runs a calligraphy business who gathered in The MotherMind.

Closing portals

This ending lead me to contemplate another ending that I have been integrating for well over a year now.

The ending of my birthing chapter.

It is almost a year, to the day, that I was held by

KINDLING By Laura Hart Swann

and other women in my own Closing Ceremony.

It’s taken me this long to write about it, to form words that even closely capture the essence of what the experience gave me.

A small part of me felt self indulgent for organising it, but I also knew that by claiming this I was taking responsibility for my onwards journey as a Mother.

I was giving myself the gift of being able to ask for support AND to truly, truly receive it.

The day arrived.

Our space was adorned with flowers. We drank tea crafted just for me from my Grandmother’s tea set. My dear friends held me and my baby while I was given sacred touch and allowed to rest. I was showered with loving words. My flesh and bones were wrapped carefully with fabric to draw my energy back from the clouds and into my body. We ate. We laughed. We drank in silence.

It is impossible to truly put this experience into words, but the sentiment that has poured through me over and over since this magical day was… what if every Mother had this experience? What if each person who stepped through this rite of passage was fully honoured for the monumental initiation that it is?

What if this ending for Mothers was truly, truly honoured?

For me, this closing ceremony, helped me complete an initiatory chapter in my life. A chapter that was full of every emotion possible, some welcome, some excruciatingly uncomfortable.

Devoting these few hours to being held and seen in my return through this rite of passage gave me integration I didn’t know I really needed. It was perhaps the first truly honoured ending in my whole life.

It was the most beautiful ending for the most transformative journey (so far) of my life.

My wish for every Mother…

The Earth
Holding my body

Woven Fabric
Wrapping my bones

My heart
Cradled by women

My soul
Returning home

A portal opened
In the rebirth

Stars exploded
Just for us

The birthing chapter
Now closing

Walking forward
Into trust

Sacred words
Pouring over

Body melting
To tender touch

A Softening
Of the growing pains

This mother heart
Merging deep in love

You can listen to me read the audio of this poetry below if you wish…

One of the most poignant parts of my Closing Ceremony was that it also brought another ending into my life. An ending that I knew would always happen.

Our little dog Pickle, who had been with us for 16.5 years, passed away just a few days after my ceremony. I knew when she sat with us in Circle — her wise elder energy holding us — that we were also helping her transition.

She had been there for so many of my huge life experiences, and I felt in my bones that her work with us was almost complete.

You can read more about her, and some words I wrote for her, here.

Pickle sat and watched over us for the entire time.

Some chapters in our life close without warning. Some end in the most brutal way and we would never choose them. Some we are more than ready to say goodbye to.

We can’t control this - but we can choose to honour endings in a way that helps us feel a sense of closure.

To hold the emotions that surface with gentleness.

To end in love.

What is your relationship with endings? Have you every held or been part of a ceremony to witness the closing of a chapter? Do you feel there are segments of your life that are still yet to be closed?

Please do share with me in the comments, or reply via email.

Until next time…

With so much love,

Lauren

xxx

PS… I was so honoured to be invited to contribute to

Lyndsay Kaldor

’s ATELIER series on creativity and the home. You can read my interview here.

Hello to anyone who is new here… I am Lauren, a Mother of two daughters, a Writer, Coach, Soulful Business Mentor, Website & Branding Creator, Human Design Guide, Sacred Space Holder and multi dimensional human being. You can find out more about my work here. Please do subscribe to join the journey, and if you enjoy this, and you do have the means, I would be so grateful if you chose to support my creations for £5 a month…